Balancing Needs In Relationships

To create a healthy lasting relationship it is important to find a balance between meeting your partner's needs and meeting your own, between giving and receiving or selflessness and generosity; and assertiveness and self-care.

Generosity is an important part of intimate relationships. Generosity shows that we are willing to make what is important to our partner, important to us, for the simple reason that our partner is important to us. Generosity may look like choosing to cheerfully attend the staff party, family function or school reunion with your partner. Generosity may involve giving up something that you want to do, to be with your partner when they really need your help or for something that means a lot to them. Selflessness shows up in many tiny acts, like thinking about your partner before eating that last piece of cake, choosing to watch their favorite show with them or noticing when they need something and offering before they ask. Selflessness involves seeing your partner's need as being just as important as your own. It means sometimes being willing to put your needs on the back burner.

Selflessness and generosity help increase your loving feelings for your partner and help them feel loved; however, if your relationship is only build on your selflessness and your generosity, there is a great possibility that you are going to burn out. Too often when someone has spent years trying hard to care for and give to everyone, they start to feel resentful if their efforts are not being reciprocated. Then pendulum can then swing from generosity to obnoxiousness, when they finally find that they have nothing left to give. Assertiveness and self-care can help protect your relationship from this development.

Assertiveness allows you to stand up for yourself. It allows you to express your needs in a respectful way. It is not only okay, but valuable to express your needs and wants and far preferable to allowing resentments to build. If assertiveness is new for you, you may find that at first your partner is puzzled and encourages you to change back. You need to persist. You may have to learn to tolerate your partner being upset with you and give them an opportunity to self sooth. You have a responsibility to recognize that you are important and be willing to stand up for yourself. Recognizing that your needs are important helps you see the need for self-care. You have just as much responsibility to be good to yourself as you do to anyone else. Healthy self-care and assertiveness can make it possible for you to go on being generous for a life time.

We have to balance our concern for others with our concern and consideration for ourself. Too much of either puts our relationships out of balance. Too much focus on your wants and needs, without the willingness to be selfless or generous can leave your partner feeling empty and depleted and drain your relationship of its vitality. Likewise too much giving and generosity without making your needs known or taking time to rejuvenate, can leave you feeling empty and depleted. Is it possible to love too much? The answer is a resounding NO, but you have to include yourself in the circle of people that you love.

If you tend to be too generous: when you choose to be generous, do so out of a spirit of generosity, not out of a fear of upsetting or disappointing your partner, or out of a sense of obligation. Stop telling yourself that you have to please everybody or that you have to keep your partner happy.

If you tend to be too focused on your own needs: make a conscious effort to be generous to your partner and practice cheerfully generosity to please or help your partner.

Balancing the giving and receiving in your relationship will increase not only the longevity of your relationship, but also increase the joy you find in being together.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine