Are You Keeping Secrets?

“The most valuable, most precious love in the world is the love someone gives you when you can't love yourself.” Susan Page

Are you keeping secrets? Are your secrets keeping you from being real with each other and having the intimacy you desire? If you are pretending to be someone other than who you really are, your relationship ends up being a hollow facade of what it could be. Hiding from your partner the things that cause you shame or embarrassment does not allow him/her to have the opportunity fully accept you—warts and all. You may end up having niggley doubts that if s/he knew all about you, s/he would not really love you. Because you are hiding parts of yourself, you may spare yourself some momentary pain or embarrassment, but that lack of vulnerability also keeps distance between you.

Openness and honesty is an essential part of lasting, healthy relationships. Everyone has a right to privacy, however if you feel the need to hide your email and cell phone from your partner, chances are you are behaving in ways that you feel are inappropriate. It is not that your partner should read every email or text message that you send, but there should be nothing in those email or text messages that they should not or could not see. When you start hiding things from your partner it is often an indication that you are headed down a dangerous path.

Another thing to remember is that secrets have a way of slipping out, often at the most inconvenient times. It is far better to arrange a quiet time when you are both feeling comfortable to talk to your partner about things from your past that you are not proud of or things from the present that you regret. Even though this conversation may be difficult, s/he would much rather hear it from you than to stumble upon it in some other way. Secret keeping means lying either by omission or commission and deceit always erodes trust! As painful as it may be, it is far better for you to fess-up rather than getting caught in your lies.

You both need privacy, time for yourselves, time with friends, and or separate hobbies. But if during those private times you are thinking or doing things that you feel you should hide from your partner you may be causing more damage to your relationship than you realize. Secret keeping is too often a slippery slope to relationship decay.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine