Grow Up or Grow Apart

Recently a client came to an ah-ha realization. He commented that perhaps they got along better when they were dating because they recognized that they were two separate people but once they got married they started expecting the other to make them feel good. He explained that his thinking that had been, “if she loved me she would make me happy and because I love her I should be able to make her happy. I’m certainly not doing a very good job of that.”

Often in relationships there is one person who get labeled as the “bad guy” or the “problem.” Sometimes each person is busy labeling the other as the “problem.” There is a break through moment when we realize that we need to give up blaming our partner and wishing that they would change in order for us to be able to move forward. You have heard repeatedly that the only person you can change is you. If we understand this, why are so many of us still waiting for our partner to make the first move so that things can improve?

Many couples seeking counseling or just seeking to improve their relationship, find that the more they try to give the complaining partner what s/he thinks s/he wants the less things seem to improve. Many will then throw up their hands and declare we must have fallen out of love.

But the reality is that if you can’t be happy with what you’ve got, you will not be happy when you get what you think you want. The problem is not out there; the problem lies within. When we lack self-respect and self-acceptance, first we are going to choose partners who prove our beliefs to be true and then we are going to attach meaning to their behavior to show that they do not respect or accept us.

Our first task in growing up so that we don’t grow apart is to come to peace with our self. When we learn to take full responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions, we realize that our partner can’t make us feel happy or mad or sad, we realize that we have choices for our thoughts, feelings and actions. Many people recognize their responsibility on an intellectual level, however when their emotions are triggered, reason flies out the window.

It is absolutely imperative for a lasting relationship to be respectful, kind and considerate to your partner and as partner’s we should expect good treatment from each other. The reality is that there will also always be bad days; times when we are preoccupied, or possibly short tempered. When we need our partner to be perfectly giving and loving in order for us to feel accepted and loved we set ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

It is not that lasting couples do not argue or disagree; it is that they attach different meanings to those experiences. Instead of thinking, “S/he doesn’t really love me—I’m not lovable.” They think, “We love each other and we will figure this out.” They don’t need their partner to constantly prove to them that they are okay, because they are okay with who they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine