If S/he Loved Me . . .

"Two men look out from the same prison bars. One sees mud and one the stars." Unknown

A young friend recently shared her thirtieth birthday experience with me:

To her turning thirty was a big deal and she wanted to celebrate. She knew that her husband was in the middle of mid-terms as well as a heavy assignment load and that he would not have the time to plan a party for her. Knowing that her husband loved her, but was too stressed to make her birthday what she wanted it to be, she decided that she was going to make this special for herself. She got her three small children involved and planned and decorated for her own party. She said that she had the greatest day as she decided to treat herself and have fun that day. Consequently she, her husband and her family have wonderful memories of her thirtieth birthday.

What a mature and self-empowering approach to life.

Contrast this with someone moodily brooding and worrying that they were not going to get the party that they wanted for their birthday—getting more miserable the closer the day came. When the day arrives they are sullen and angry. They tell themselves, “If my partner loved me s/he would know that I wanted a fuss made over my birthday—therefore s/he doesn’t really care and doesn’t really love me.” They choose to spend the day in the garden eating worms, creating yet another traumatic memory.

You have the option of making yourself perfectly miserable or the choice to be “happy with.” You can choose to be happy with yourself, with your partner, with your children, with life in general.

There is a tendency when people don’t really feel that they are loveable, to manufacture experiences to prove that they are unloved. They set themselves up to be repeatedly disappointed. Thus proving what they believed all along that they are unloved and unlovable.

Choosing to be loving to oneself is one of the quickest ways to begin to feel love from others. When people accept and love themselves they are able to release others from constantly having to prove that they are lovable. They are free to ask for what they want because they know that they are worth it. Sometimes people are afraid to ask because they are not sure that they are worth it and they want someone else to decide and show them that they are.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine