Satisfaction or Love

"Joy is not in things, it is in us."

Are you satisfied and committed to your relationship? Research shows that commitment and satisfaction are more important than love when it comes to staying in your relationship. Psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University studied 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university over a four-year period and discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together.

She found that, for the 59 percent who had ended their relationship before the study was over, the couples still loved each other. In fact, some still loved each other after the relationship ended. Dr. Sprecher said, "these results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love, but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing."

There seems to be evidence suggesting that commitment is the indicator of the persistence of the relationship. Sprecher’s study indicates that for those couples who remained together their love and satisfaction increases over time as well. Commitment should be coupled with happiness and love, as Dr. Sprecher found. As a counselor I have found numerous couples who are very committed to their relationship who are extremely unhappy with each other. Some even have lost the love they once had but stay in the relationship out of a sense of commitment.

How does one increase their satisfaction in their relationship? An important factor in satisfaction is acceptance. People need to accept themselves and their partners as they are. This acceptance allows each person in the relationship to be themselves; being yourself helps one feel good with the world. This feeling good is part of satisfaction. Accepting your partner and your relationship as it is helps relationship satisfaction to grow as well.

Acceptance does not mean that there is no room or desire for change; in fact it empowers people to change. Acceptance means a person takes total and complete responsibility for themselves and their part in the relationship. There is no blame attached to each other for specifics in the relationship. This acceptance of responsibility and the lack of blame help to make the relationship a safe and satisfying place to be.

Happiness is the inherent goal for all people. People do what they do for two reasons; to avoid pain and to be happy. Acceptance of life as it is also helps people to be happy for much the same reasons as it helps them be satisfied. To be able to just say this is who am at the moment and this is who my partner is and this is how our relationship is and that is all right alleviates a lot of stress. Less stress means more energy to build the relationship in positive ways.

Being positive is also a way for couples to build satisfaction and happiness into their relationship. Looking for ways to support and build up the other builds both. Being interested in what interests your partner makes them happier and when they are happier so are you.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine