The Harder I Try The Worse Things Get

The Harder I Try The Worse Things Get

Is your relationship struggling and are you the one working hard to fix it, but just seem to be pushing your partner away? If that is the case it may be time to evaluate your tactics and possibly change course. If you wanted to get from point A to point B, but instead found yourself headed toward point Z, then driving faster would definitely not fix the problem, but getting a better map might.

When you find yourself chasing after your partner only to find them withdrawing more and more, it is time to evaluate your approach. Ask yourself, “Is what I am doing getting me the results that I want?” If the answer is no, the next step is to do something different. Often couples in troubled relationships make the mistake of trying harder by doing more of what was not working in the first place.

Next ask yourself, “What would my partner say I am doing that is driving him/her crazy?” Chances are you already know what it is that you are doing that is not working. It is possible that you keep telling yourself that it should be working. You may be sure that what you are doing is the right thing to do. Even if that is true, is being right helping make things better or worse? Sometimes we have to be willing to give up being right, if we want to find some way to be happy together.

Ask yourself, “What have I been thinking, saying and doing that may be contributing to the problem?” Make sure that your answers are specific rather than general. Specifics are much easier to change. If you want things to change then you can begin by changing what you are thinking, saying and doing.

It is important to take a step back from the problem so that you can gain perspective. As you gain perspective hopefully you will begin to see not only what it is that you want and need, but also begin to notice what response your words and behavior bring out in your partner. Do less of what frustrates and annoys them and find ways to do more of what brings a positive response.