Appreciation Habit

If you have ever had the stomach flu for a few days running and have been unable to eat, you know how incredible that first piece of buttered toast tastes. The toast has not changed, it is your awareness that has changed; your attention if focused on the experience of eating the toast and you savor it, enjoy it and are grateful to be able to eat.

Think about the things that you regularly do each day with little or no attention. Anything that has become a habit falls into this category. You probably have your morning ritual, shower, dress, eat, brush teeth, most of which you could almost do in your sleep. In a way you sort of are sleeping. You are not really awake, aware and paying attention to what you are doing.

How many of the things that are essential to our survival do we simply take for granted? If they were not there we would be miserable, but because they are always there we don’t even notice them. We don’t appreciate what we have because it just becomes part of the background. You cannot be grateful for that which you are unaware.

Unfortunately, all too often our interactions with our partner can become “ritualized”. Asking, “How was your day,” but not really listening or paying attention to each other or the feelings behind the person.

We hear the comment from clients that their partner appreciates strangers more than they appreciate them. The sad thing is that when a stranger does something nice for us we express gratitude because the kindness was unexpected and therefore we noticed it. We expect our partner to be kind to us and when they are we often don’t express gratitude because they are simply doing what they should do. What we do “notice” is if they do or say something unkind.

When we choose to wake up and appreciate our partner daily we will begin to see an increase in love and gratitude. People have a natural tendency to ignore those things that happen frequently. If you live close to an airport you may have found that at first the noise of the planes was annoying, but after a while you didn’t hear the planes anymore. Your brain simply filters it out as not relevant and the noise becomes part of the background.

This ability of our brain to selectively pay attention is part of what helps us cope in life. There are so many things vying for our concentration, it is impossible to give everything our full attention. However, if we allow ourselves to tune out our partner or interact with them thoughtlessly, our relationship is going to suffer. By interacting thoughtlessly I mean interacting on auto pilot.

Make it a habit to frequently (daily is ideal) give your partner your full attention.
Giving our partner our full attention will help us feel appreciation for them. Develop the habit of appreciation in your relationship and watch your passion bloom.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine