Death Knell for Relationship

Treating your partner’s opinions, ideas, or values with distain or contempt is extremely toxic to your relationship. Comments like, “Are you ever going to get it?” “I don’t know why I bother talking to you,” “That is just stupid,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” indicate a lack of respect for your partner.

It is also possible to convey the message that, “I am better than you are,” without verbalizing it at all. Attitude, actions, body language and tone of voice often speak louder than any words you could use.

A sense of superiority can be a death knell for a relationship. Whether it is you or your partner, you have to ask yourself either, “Why would I want to be involved with someone who is less than I am?” or “Why would I want to be with someone who thinks that I am less than he is?”

When you frequently take the position that you are superior to your partner--that you are smarter or more attractive--you have lost the sense of equality that is important to a healthy relationship. Looking down on your partner will cause them to either fight or withdraw. Either way, their self-image will be weakened and you will pay a heavy price for making your partner the loser in your relationship.

One component of a mature relationship is the ability to tolerate differences. Maturity means recognizing that when your partner disagrees with you they are not necessarily wrong, they are just different. Differences can add richness to your relationship, as long as respect is involved.

Part of setting healthy boundaries in your relationship involves understanding who owns feelings, thoughts and opinions. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Your partner is responsible for his own feelings, thoughts and opinions. Each of you is entitled to feel, think and decide for yourself. Each of you is entitled to have your thoughts, feelings and opinions respected.

If your partner is frequently treating you with contempt it is important that you look after yourself. Do not give in to the fight or withdraw reflex. Being aggressive or passive will not improve the situation. You want to assertively fortify your personal boundaries. When you stand up for yourself in a respectful way your partner will hopefully follow suit.

If you don’t stand up to your partner for fear that their reaction could be dangerous either physically or emotionally, then you might want to get help or get out.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine