Have You Had A Reality Check Lately?

Have You Had A Reality Check Lately?

Does your behavior match your view or opinion of yourself? What are the words that you would use to describe yourself? Experiment with writing out a list of words that you feel describe you. Notice whether there is a balance of positive and negative qualities. Many people focus on their strengths and are reluctant to acknowledge their weaknesses. Others focus mainly on their weaknesses, denying their strengths either out of a mistaken effort to remain humble or an under-appreciation of themselves. Both focuses create a distortion. Your view of yourself can be skewed by either thinking that you are better or worse than you are.

I love the C.S.Lewis quote, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.”

If it is difficult to see ourselves accurately, how can we get a reality check? It can be interesting to hear how others are perceiving you, especially from those who are willing to be frank and honest. Sometimes others can help hold up a mirror so that you can more accurately see yourself. However, if you really want someone to be honest with you, you have to make it safe for them to tell you difficult things. If you punish someone for being honest with you, you will lose a valuable source of information.

I remember many years ago, while playing a softball game with friends, which is not one of my strengths, and I guess my fretting was audible and noticeable because one of my friends said to me something like, “Please stop whining.” This was not an easy thing to hear. I was not aware that I was whining. But I am grateful that my friend had the courage to bring my behavior to my attention. I had not asked for the feedback, but receiving it did help me to grow.

At times our behavior does not match the person that we think we are, especially in our personal relationships. Someone may see themselves as kind, considerate and thoughtful and this may be the face that they present in public, but their partner may experience them in a very different way. For example some may see themselves as generous and helpful and yet if their partner makes a request of them, they feel put out and annoyed. It is unfortunate that we often treat those we love the most, worse than we treat strangers.

Self-awareness is key. When we are blind to those parts of our self that we do not like or want to admit exist, we remain unable to make necessary changes. It can be uncomfortable to come face to face with our own shortcomings, but unless we are willing to do so we run the risk of remaining stuck in our denial. We miss valuable growth opportunities.

Generally when getting a reality check, it is good to ask a few different people. Remember the perception that others have of you, no more represents reality than your perception of yourself. But listening to others may broaden your perspective and hopefully by openings yourself up to exploring how others see you, you will gain a clearer picture of who you are.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine