Give Up Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior can be easy to recognize in others. Bossiness is the most blatant form of control; the tactical passive aggressive manoeuvres can be more difficult to spot. It is more difficult to own up to our controlling behavior and admit that we at times have a secret agenda for our words and behavior.

Georgianna Donadio in Changing Behavior said, “Often we think we are behaving collaborative, acting respectfully, or that we do not have an agenda going into an interaction when indeed we are working towards an outcome that serves our needs or desires. . . being aware of our intentions is the single most important responsibility we each have towards another person.”

Self awareness is key. We need to be honest with ourselves. Are we really listening to and being open with our partner. Or are we hiding our true objective and trying to manipulate circumstances and people to get what we want.

Whenever you strongly feel that you must change your partner's thoughts, feelings or behavior, STOP. Ask yourself, Why is it so important to me that my partner do, feel or think the same way I do? If the answer is, Because I am right. You may want to rethink. Chances are your partner also sees him/herself as right. Even if you manage to convince your partner that you are right, remember winning battles at your partner's expense does not make for a healthy relationship.

Having the intention to accept your partner and to share your thoughts and feelings on an issue, is vastly different from having the intention to persuade, manipulate or coerce your partner into seeing or doing things your way. The first is relationship building and the second is destructive and hurtful.   

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine