Be Happy, Don't Worry

Bobby McFerrin's song, Don't Worry, Be Happy, may make the perfect mantra for lasting relationships. The better you feel about your life and about your self the better your relationships will be. The more you can choose to be happy in spite of difficult circumstances, frustrations, disappointments; the more you can see the glass as half full instead of half empty; the more satisfying your relationships will be.

Troubled relationships frequently end up in a downward spiral because people are problem-oriented rather than solution-oriented. Resentments build, grudges multiply, and score keeping abounds. In struggling relationships, a lot of problems are magnified because they are so busy focusing on the problems and what is wrong with the other person and their relationship, that the the positive aspects of the relationship or the other person are forgotten. They are holding the problems so close to their eyes that reality is distorted and their view of possible solutions is obstructed.

For example, if you have a pebble in your shoe, that tiny irritant can ruin your walk. Complaining about it, blaming others for it, becoming resentful and frustrated does not improve your experience. What can improve your experience is being solution focused by stopping and taking time to shake the pebble out of your shoe before continuing with your walk.

Remember that within your relationship, the other person is not the pebble in your shoe. They are not the problem and probably feel there is a pebble in their shoe as well. Consider that the two of you are on the same team and that you want to be hard on the problem, while being easy on each other.

There are two tools that you can use to help shake the pebbles out of your relationship, gratitude and forgiveness. Gratitude gets your mind off of what is wrong and onto what is right. You focus on what you have learned from an experience and how you have benefitted rather than on how you are suffering. Remember, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

It is not time that heals emotional wounds, love and forgiveness heal emotional wounds. Begin by loving and forgiving yourself and continue by loving and forgiving each other. One person can start to turn the relationship around by changing their focus to being solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.  

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course  

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine