In This Corner: Learn to Fight Fair

In every relationship there are ups and downs. The secret is to have more ups than downs and to have ups that are higher than the downs are deep. Anyway, disagreements don't mean that there are major problems. It just means that you are both alive.

The secret about dealing with disagreements is to not allow them to escalate into full-scale battles. And that means that you have to know how to fight fair. Now if that isn't an oxymoron nothing is. But it is true. Just like for the world's armies in times of war, there has to be rules of engagement. These are the guidelines that keep each other safe. We need that because we know that there will be disagreements, in fact there will be fights, so we need to be prepared for those times.

Knowing that we are going to get into fights now and again lets us get ready. When things are going real good at the beginning of the relationship is the time to prepare for those eventual disagreements and squabbles. Now is the time we decide on what or what not will be allowed when fighting.

The major first is that there is no disrespect; that is no name calling, insulting, belittling or the like. Those things are bad news. It's like the story of the woman who goes about gossiping and telling bad things about her friends and neighbors. The king hears about it and decides to teach her a lesson. He tells her to come to the highest tower in the castle on the next windy day, oh, and bring a feather pillow.

Well, the old lady arrives at the castle, lugging her pillow and the king takes her up to the tower.

"Rip open your pillow and let the feathers fly," he commands the woman. She does as he ordered and the feathers flew everywhere. The king then taught her this lesson. He said, "Now go and pick up every feather and bring them to me. Don't miss a single one or else you will be in worse trouble." Then he left her to her task. Well as we all know, it would be impossible to find every one, but she did try.

Returning to the castle, she told the king she had picked up everyone that she could find. He asked her if she had all of them. With quaking voice she said she did not think that would be possible. The king the said to her, "Your words of gossip and malice are just like those feathers. Once spoken, you can never retrieve all of them." In other words you can never unspeak the words you have spoken.

So, in a fit of anger, never say things that you will wish you could unsay. Elizabeth Kenny said this about anger, "He who angers you conquers you." Don't let your temper rule your head or your heart. Remember no matter how bad the fight gets this is the person you love and cherish, this is the one you have chosen to spend your life with. Don't hurt them with unkind words or actions.

There are several other basic rules about fighting as well. Never let it deteriorate into rehashing old arguments. Always remember to be specific and try to stay positive. Keep things in the room, whatever happens in the argument stays in the argument. Never use what is said in an argument against the other. If it gets to be too much take a break, ask for a time out. Just make sure you come back and finish the issue, or as much as you both want at that time.

Remember that yes, there will be those odd moments of disagreement and tension or even out and out fights; but those should never be the norm. Research indicates that in the majority of successful long-term relationships that there is a five-to-one ratio. That is five positive good things done, shared or given to every one negative or bad thing. Work on that and you won't have to work on your jab.

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course.

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine