Secret of Change

Like it or not, we live the majority of our lives on auto-pilot. Most of what we do is simply by habit. This is why considering whether our habits are relationship enhancing or eroding is vital.

To help determine whether your relationship habits are toxic or wholesome consider the following questions:

• Do we use open and honest communication or do we play games?
• Do we love unconditionally or do we keep score?
• Are we in it for the long haul or do we threaten to leave when we are upset?
• Do we try to make each other jealous or do we assure each other with our behavior as well as our words of our fidelity?
• Do we try to solve problems with money or gifts or do we listen and talk to resolve differences?
• Do we bring blame and bitterness or acceptance and love to our relationship?

If you find that you have some relationship eroding habits, it is not too late to change. Dan Millman, in the Way of the Peaceful Warrior wrote, “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” The best way to change undesirable habits is not to stop the old habit. The best way to change an old habit is to rewrite it or replace it with a desirable habit.

Change begins with conscious choice. It begins when we consider where we are and how we have been behaving and make a decision that we want to create something different.

The desire to change is not enough. We must get clear about what it is that we want to create. It is helpful to spend some quiet time thinking and rehearsing how we want to behave instead. For example, if you are a competitive score keeper and you want to practice acceptance instead, try vividly picturing yourself responding to your partner in an accepting way. Mentally see yourself actively and respectfully listening to your partner, validating their feelings and doing your best to understand their point of view. Say to yourself, I choose happiness over having to be right. Repeat this visual practice many times, until you start to respond differently.

Changing habits requires, that for a time, we bring awareness to our thoughts and behaviors. But, the great thing about changing habits is that after we have repeated the desired actions long enough to beat a new pathway in our brain, that desirable habit will start to become our new default position. We will have developed a relationship enhancing habit. And relationship enhancing habits lead to stronger, healthier relationships.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine