A Promise Made Is A Promise Kept

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” Lao-Tzu

One of the questions I’m often asked is why do so many relationships fail. I would be a fool if I thought I could answer with the right answers for every relationship. There are as many reasons as there are failing relationships. But there are a few constants that contribute to those failures.

In session I often here the following complaints: “You never do what you say you will,” “I can’t trust you to anything for me,” “You’re all talk and no action,” “I just don’t trust you,” “You don’t stand up for me,” and “You never have my back.” All of these kinds of statements stem from one common theme, broken trust.

When I speak of broken trust most of us go straight to the big infidelity button and while that is a broken trust I am talking about smaller things, yet just as important. When I was a kid my dad told me two important things, he said to never lie and to always keep your word. In relationships those two things add up to most of the broken trust.

Telling lies is a cowardly way. It speaks to us not having enough guts, balls or whatever you want to call it to stand up and take responsibility. Most lies are some one trying to shirk the consequences of whatever action or inaction they have or haven’t done. This right here speaks volumes about your person, the state of your relationship and how much you trust your partner. Lying disrespects your partner, your life, your relationship and yourself.

Sometimes people lie to protect their partner, or so they say; but is that really necessary? Your partner is a grown adult with skills, talents, strengths and responsibilities to take care of themselves, and most will. If you really search your motives and your thoughts you will most likely find self-protective thoughts and actions at the root of the lie.

If you are telling lies to your partner there is usually deeper issues than the lie. These issues could be in the individual (past experiences, habit, training) or in the relationship (over the top reactions, punishing behaviors of the partner); whatever the reason lying is the wrong answer.

Keeping your word is so very important in relationships; it is a basis of the trust in the relationship. One of the quickest ways to tell your partner they are not important is to break your promise to them. I regularly hear from clients that their partner keeps more promises to their friends and family than they do to their partner. As sure way to create an environment of mistrust, pain and anger.

I had a client who would regularly promise his wife he would pick her up after work within 5-10 minutes of her being finished. He was consistently late with excuses that he just wanted to catch the last few minutes of the game, he was busy doing something and wanted to finish it, he simply forgot and he was helping a family member or friend. This led to them constantly fighting on the way home, bad feelings through the evening and so on. He could not get why she was angry even when she said, “if you don’t want to pick me up tell me and I’ll find away, just don’t leave me here waiting.”

Over time this developed into her being unwilling to take his word for anything, including when he said he loved her. They parted ways after a bitter and angry last couple of years. Granted, they did not break-up over him not picking her up, they split because she felt he never put her first in the relationship, he would rather disappoint her, make her wait than disappoint his family and friends.

If you don’t keep the promise you make, spoken or unspoken, the trust in your relationship is eventually eroded away. The most important promise you make is to your partner and your kids; they need to know that you will do what you say, in the little things so that they can trust you with the big things.

Even simple little things like telling your partner you will make the bed in the mornings have long reaching and last affects. If you can do that consistently, without excuses when missed, your partner knows, understands and comes to believe whole-heartedly that you care enough for them to do a small thing because you said you would.

One simple rule for making promises: if you are not sure you can keep a promise, don’t make it. Say “I’ll try,” “I really would like to,” “If I can (this one is sort of a promise, so be careful)” and “I’ll do my best.” These all tell the other that you have a desire to do it but are unsure if it is possible. One more thing, if you do promise with good intent and something comes up and makes that questionable, inform the other as soon as you realize the conflict. If the latter above is because of another person make sure it is really necessary for you to bail on your partner.

Always remember; A promise given is a promise kept.