Relationship Construction

‘The trouble with Doomsday is that we may not recognize the Doom when we are shown it or know the Day when it finally arrives.” Orgill & Gribbin

For a lot of couples the above quote is true about their relationship. We see a lot of couples where one of them is saying, “I don’t know why we’re here,” and the other is saying, “I’m done.” Some people have a hard time recognizing that their partner is upset, hurt, frustrated, lost or confused and needing to get some things resolved. They just keep their head down and keep on keeping on without realizing their partner is not satisfied with what is happening in the relationship.

Some of us, dare I say it, mostly men, don’t even recognize it, realize it or accept it when their partner tells them, shows them or threatens them with the truth, as they see it, about the relationship. In other words “not recognize the Doom when we are shown it.” We have plenty of couples coming with one or the other saying, “I’ve been telling you forever that if it didn’t get better I was out.” A lot of these ones don’t “know the Day when it finally arrives.”

So, how to stop all of this from happening at all? Build your relationships like you would build a house. Site preparation, solid foundations, walls and roof. And like any good house you need regular maintenance to keep it top shape and functioning as a warm and inviting home. Perhaps a little landscaping to keep it pretty.



Site preparation: in constructing a house the site is prepared first before any construction begins. The debris and garbage and overfill are removed to allow for the building of a solid foundation. In your relationship it is much the same. As individuals you need to clear away the debris; this would include dealing with all past relationships so you are not bringing these issues into your new relationship – a good, long lasting relationship is made of up only two people, not your past. Get rid of all your garbage, deal with those sticky issues from parents and childhood, check out your beliefs and expectation, these are the overfill in our lives.

Solid, strong foundations: respect, honesty, love and acceptance, these are all things that help solidify your relationship. Others are friendship, understanding and patience and so on and so on. As in a house if the foundations are suspect the house may shift, crack and even in some cases fall over. When the foundation supporting the relationship is strong and deep you can withstand some pretty severe storms. Most of the things that underpin your relationship are the things that, when you come to us, are in trouble. We hear, “I don’t feel respected,” “I love her but I’m not in love with her,” He is always angry or frustrated,” and of course “I’m not even sure if I still like him.”

Walls are the part of the house that protect us from the elements and keep us safe; in a relationship these are called boundaries. Walls keep the world out of our home and boundaries keep the world out of our business. A strong and healthy boundary, well constructed and maintained gives us permission to say “No” and allow us to say “Yes.” Our personal boundaries are our business just as we have rooms in a house that are ours; couple boundaries organize our family and alone time. In a sense they give us a safe place to come home to.

The roof is held up by the walls, and help to keep us dry and warm, in a relationship shared experiences, goals and visions do the same thing. All couples should be continuously constructing those shared memories, both happy and not so happy ones; it is the latter that really binds us together. You should be looking at setting mutual and individual goals and working on developing a vision for your relationship. Goals and visions, like shingles should have a fifty-year plus guarantee.

Landscaping: this is the fun stuff in your relationship. For your house landscaping sets it off, shows it off, makes it uniquely yours. The things you do in your relationship to have fun, travel, working together, relaxing, movies, dancing, dining – in or out, making out and making up and shared hobbies are what help to set your relationship off and show it off. The landscape of your house is a very important part of your home; it defines your individual tastes and your combined likes. The fun part of relationships do exactly the same thing.

Regular maintenance is essential to the strength of your home and its integrity. Regularly focusing on keeping your relationship vibrant, exciting and healthy protects the strength of the bond between the two of you; it protects the integrity of the relationship. This is the commitment you both made to each other; but it is just as important to commit to making your relationship worth committing to. How? First the physical health of both of you is essential so start and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Emotional health is just as important, if not more important.

Here is where you can support the other if there are health issues or the children have health issues. This is where you both feel safe and at home when you are together. How to maintain the emotional health of your relationship requires some time and effort. Deal with the little issues before they become major fights. Talking about fights, learn how and practice fighting fair. Always be respectful and loving.

Choose to love your partner no matter what and in spite of your anger, frustrations and hurt feelings. This is so important. What usually happens is we withdraw our love when we fight thus, giving us more of what we don’t want. Love is a choice so choose to love, no matter what else comes. Be honest with your love and with your lover, don’t mistreat them, lie to them or give them the “silent treatment.” Remember, talking is the only adult way to deal with issues and to process them.

So build your love, build it strong. It protect you and yours.

“You can’t do it alone. It takes two to see one.” Leo Buscaglia

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine