Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache

“Relationship advice be damned, I just want to solve my sex problems!” This is a very common sentiment in our office. Couples don’t really want to talk about their “relationship” they, at least one of them, want to discuss their sex life and the problems therein. This represents a very common misconception, your sex life and your relationship function separately. Not so. Unless there is an organic or physical problem most sexual difficulties within a relationship can be attributed to something amiss in the relationship.

This however may not apply to the “difference in desire” issue. Differences in desire are not necessarily due to relationship issues, libido differences are commonplace and fluid. An individual’s libido can and does change over the length of their life. You need to be aware of the stage of life and the stage of your relationship when you are discussing libido differences. When you were first married your sex life was most likely more quantity than quality, but having said that it was probably highly enjoyable. But life goes on, things change. New jobs, buying that first house and making those car payments all add up to stress. And if you are the one whose role it is to make those payments, along with the mortgage then watch out for your level of sexual desire. Stress has a way of stifling any sexual urges.

One of the most common complaints of 30-something husband’s is “she used to enjoy sex and want it just as much as I did.” Most likely true; however, let’s take a sneak peak into her life. She may have given birth and nursed 2.5 children, changed their diapers, bathed them, got up for the 2, 4, 5 am feedings. Chased them around the house and in the greater majority of homes, still performed the most of the household chores and duties. In fact, just about every woman who comes into our office with marital problems has the same questions: “When is it going to be my turn? My turn to relax, take five in front of the T.V., go out with my friends and come home late. When are you going to do laundry, make dinner, feed and bathe the kids and put them to bed?” Sound familiar guys? Well all of the above are not exactly aphrodisiacs. The truth is that it acts as the opposite.

So for the answer to those husbands, she is tired, too tired usually to really get into lovemaking. Generally speaking, the years of childbirth and child rearing are frequently those of lower libido for women. The same may be true for men if they are highly involved with this process. In today’s world more and more fathers are taking a greater responsibility in caring for and rearing children and this is as it should be. Just as long as you both realize the pressure this can and often does put on your lovelife.

Another common time for lower libido to show up is in mid to late thirties. It is right around this time when a lot of people are experiencing job stress. This may be the time, if you are on a lengthy career track, that you begin moving up the management ladder from low level to mid and high level management. The demands on your time and on your emotional as well as physical person are immense. Sex drives quite often suffer as a result.

Or it is now when men are changing their career, whether by choice or downsizing. So thirties can be a slow time for men. The paradox here is that this is the same time as woman are experiencing a return to a higher sex drive; evidence suggests that women reach their sexual peak in their early thirties. Great fun, now we hear the women saying the same as their husbands ten years earlier. Ironic or what?

Lower libido can result from emotional, physical or spiritual problems as well. But for most differences in libido or desire for sex there is a common solution. Time plus patience plus caring (add in some tenderness here as well) minus blame and defensiveness and multiply your understanding usually equal KABAM and WOW. Now that is math even I like to do.

Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach


Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course.

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine