Why Arguing Makes Things Worse

It is fairly obvious that arguing is not the most effective way to resolve disagreements. At the same time there is a certain release or discharge of pent up negative emotions. It can at times almost feel good to let your partner have it—to express the frustrations that you have tucked away. But this temporary release is often quickly follow by remorse over the hurtful things that have been said. It is important to remember that although conflict is healthy, arguing is not the best way to handle conflict.

The following are some of the reasons that arguing does not solve problems:

1. No one is listening and no one feels heard or understood. You both end up feel more and more frustrated. Often arguments end, not because anything has been resolved, but because one or both of you have become so exhausted that you give up or walk away.
2. Both sides quickly become defensive and react to what the other is saying. Considering possible solutions often take a back seat to throwing insults at each other.
3. You both tend not to be completely honest with yourselves or your partner. As your anger rises, you get stuck in blaming your partner and find it difficult to see your own contribution to the problem.
4. Arguments often become an excuse for dumping a truck load of garbage on your partner. Past hurts and resentments are used to pummel each other, to either deflect from dealing with the present issue or to release emotions that have been stuffed away.
5. You are so busy defending yourself that you do not have the opportunity to consider that some of what your partner is saying may be valid and that there may be more than one way to arrive at a solution.
6. Both of you are so busy hanging on to your positions and having to be right, that you miss the opportunity to become a team working together to solve a problem.

This does not mean that you have to stuff away all your hurts and frustrations. It does mean creating an atmosphere where the two of you are safe to express how you feel and know that you will take turns really listening to what the other is saying. It means being willing to put your defensiveness on the shelf and do your best to see and understand your partner's perspective. It means separating the problem from your partner and working together to a solve problem rather than fighting each other.   

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine