Creating A Family Sanctuary

Perhaps you have had moments where there is peace, quiet and contentment in your home. Perhaps there have been other times where there has been chaos and conflict. Your goal is probably to create more of the first and less of the second.  Creating a haven for your family, means creating both physical and emotional safety. Having a family sanctuary gives you all a place to recharge in order to better face day-to-day challenges.

Ideas that my help you flourish as a family:

1. Smile. Smiles help both the giver and the receiver to feel better. Cultivate an attitude of being happy to greet your family. Smile at each other, laugh and find the joy in the moment.
2. Connect. Take time to make eye contact and talk with each other. Connecting with family members each day takes time, but growing close and trusting relationships may save you many hours of worry in later years. Create happy memories of family time.
3. Limit Technology. Establish some technology free times and zones. Be present with each other as you eat your meal or visit. Take the challenge to have a technology free day at least once a month.
4. Make Your Marriage. A Priority. The best thing that you can do for your children is to have a healthy, strong relationship. By taking care of your marriage you set the example for them, you provide them with a great deal of security and greatly increase the chances of your home being a haven.
5. Slow Down. Parents and children today are often so over-scheduled that they constantly feel frazzled. Limit the number of commitments. Try making some of your after school activities family activities. Remember that everyone needs some down time.
6. Develop Family Traditions. Having family rituals will help you feel closer to each other. Rituals are predictable and repeated over time. You can have rituals around coming and going, holidays, or even simple things like a once a month clean the house and then eat pizza and watch a movie ritual. Teach your children the stories of your ancestors, especially how they overcame challenges. This will help them feel a sense of family dignity, which will help them as they face challenges.
7. Be Respectful. There is no substitute for respect if you want to create a safe environment for your family. Be careful what you say after ‘you are _____’. Harsh judgments, whether aimed at your children, your partner or yourself, damage self-esteem and relationships. Name calling, yelling and cursing do not make your home a haven.
8. Discipline, Rather Than Punish. Help your children practice doing it right. You goal should be helping your children become responsible adults, rather than insisting on unthinking obedience. Making expectations clear and consistently allowing consequences to follow choices, helps children learn responsibility. 
9. Check In And Validate. Listen carefully when a family member is talking. Try offering validation, by restating what they have said in your own words. Do the best you can to have only one person at a time doing the talking—use a talking stick if necessary. Many miscommunications can be avoided when we check in, to see if we have heard each other correctly, rather than assuming we know.
10. Be Flexible. Things seldom go exactly as planned and one of the best things that we can teach our children is to accept and deal with what is. Families are often required to adapt to new situations. Be open to influence from each other.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine