Developing Emotional Skills Improves Relationships

The more we feel in control, the happier we will be. Not in the sense of being in control of situations or other people, but rather in control of ourself. The following story illustrates this point:

A belligerent Samurai once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell.
But the monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout--I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"
His very honor attacked, the Samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, "I could kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the Samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.
"And that," said the monk, "is heaven."

We can develop emotional skills the same way that we develop physical skills, through learning and practice. Self-awareness is the place to begin. Self-awareness allows us to identify areas where improvement is necessary, as well as accepting and appreciating our strengths. We need to be able to acknowledge, accept and name our feelings before we can deal effectively with others.
We need to develop emotional management skills such as self-soothing, anger diffusion, equalibrium, and mood lifting. Self-soothing allows us to console ourselves when we have been hurt. Anger diffusion allows us to accept and process our anger, rather than exploding. Equalibrium means that we maintain emotional balance—that we do not allow others to push or control our emotions. Mood lifting skills allows us to choose to not be overwhelmed by negative emotions.

Self-motivation skills, such as impulse control, positive expectations and self-efficacy also help us to feel more in control in our life. Strengthening our impulse control or improving our self-discipline helps to reduce destructive and increase constructive behavior. Optimism keeps us moving foreword until we succeed. Self-efficacy is our belief or ability to see that we can succeed in a given situation. When we believe that we will succeed, we tend not to sabotage ourselves before we even begin.

Empathy is an important emotional skill. It allows us to recognize our own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Accepting and valuing ourself, helps us to not feel threatened when others are different or disagree with us. When we are able to consider another person's perspective and accept and acknowledge their feelings conflict decreases and we feel better about us.

These emotional skills can help us to regulate our moods and to feel more in control.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

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