Miracles In Marriage

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're
looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

Perhaps Erma Bombeck’s quote is a little blunt and humorous but
nonetheless true. Our marriages come with only one guarantee; if
you don’t work at it, it won’t work. What do I mean by work when
it comes to marriage? Let me get personal for a moment.

When I was19 I figured that I was mature enough and smart enough
and in love enough to get married, so I did. It soon was evident
to others, not so much to myself that only one of those three
was true. In fact, if the first two were true I would not have
gotten married at 19, I probably would still be single now 34
years later.

In the first week we were having major disagreements (a nice way
of saying major fights) brought on by immaturity, mostly mine
and a lack of smarts, again, mostly mine. You see when I said,
I do, I thought that I had the world by the tail and it was a
downhill pull from there. The sad part is I made my wife, my
sweetheart pay for my lack of both maturity and intelligence.
Everything was her fault, I could not believe that this
beautiful, intelligent young lady could turn out to be so, dare
I say, dumb.

It took about six months and someone mentioning that dreaded
d-word to open my eyes. I was at fault just as much if not more
than her. I needed to learn about the work in marriage because
ours wasn’t, working that is. What were we, what was I doing
wrong? I started to look around at people whom I admired and
whose marriages seemed to work. What could I learn? Why did they
seem happy and me not?

The very first thing I noticed from my mentoring couples (they
did not know I was watching) was that there was a niceness to
their interchanges. They actually said please and thank-you. My
grandparents in particular always voiced their love for each
other. Picture this; a 6 foot 2 inch man in the kitchen with a
greasy spatula mark on his rump where she, 5 foot nothing, had
whacked him with a giggled “Dougie” as he poked her ribs and
tickled her. I remember watching this when I was staying with
them when I was 17 and thought, How corny, but realized later
it was an exchange of love.

Another couple, who shall remain unnamed here but thanked in my
heart, demonstrated how to treat each other with respect. In
their relationship when one was speaking the other was listening
and didn’t interrupt. They valued each other’s opinion, asked
each other for advice and disagreed agreeably.

There was an older couple when I was growing up and attending
church that would always sit side by side. If there wasn’t room
in the row where one of them was sitting they would get up and
move so that they could sit by each other. I remember watching
them walking into the building always holding hands, he held the
doors for her, would take off her coat and hang it for her. When
they both were much older and it was hard for them to get around
and such I remember on a Sunday her bringing a chair into the
cloakroom for him to sit on to put on his rubbers. After he had
his on she sat down and he helped put hers on. This sweet old
couple gently taught me how to treat my wife.

Another gentleman of my youth told me face to face that it takes
a real man to treat a woman with kindness, gentleness and love.
He said it speaks volumes about the respect and love that he has
for her when he treats her as if she were the most precious
thing in the world. Kindness and gentleness, he said, a
hallmarks of greatness and strength. His treatment of his
wonderful wife proved him to be a great and strong man, one whom
I miss today.

Much later in my life, my wife and I had been married for about
18 years; I became good friends and a student to a gentle giant
that has become my hero in most aspects of my life. Brother Dan
taught me that love was not an event or an attitude; it was an
action, a set of behaviors demonstrating the depth of one’s
feelings for another. His kindness and love given to his wife
told her and me that she was his love, and her happiness and
well-being was more important than his own most of the time.

What do I mean by work in a marriage? You can see by the
preceding it is not hard work; it just needs to be consistent.
The work part usually involves remembering that this is the one
you have chosen to be with, you committed to. To always recall
what it is he or she likes or dislikes. To share with them, both
the good and the bad. It seems a little funny but it is the bad
times gotten through together that build the most strength and
the best memories. As Scott Peck has said:

In thinking about miracles our frame of reference
has been too dramatic. We have been looking for
the burning bush, the parting of the sea, the
bellowing voice from heaven. Instead we should be
looking at the ordinary day-to-day events in our
lives for the evidence of the miraculous.

If we want the miracles in our marriage take care of the
day-to-day stuff and leave the rest to somebody else.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine