Relationship Failure or Success—You Choose

Laurence Shames wrote, “Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they ‘re really not. They’re companions—the hero and the sidekick.” To have any real success in building an intimate relationship, we must be willing to risk failing.

How often does the fear of failure keep people from reaching their potential? The common defense mechanism, to not try in order to avoid failure, is a shabby defender at best.

We fool ourselves into believing that we do not care, that it is not important, or that we didn’t want it anyway to protect our ego from the uncomfortable feelings that accompany what we think of as failure. It is time to redefine failure—to change our perspective and accept that mistakes are an important part of life. Mistakes do not mean failure. Decide to restructure your thoughts. Learn to see mistakes in a positive light. Consider that there is no failure—there is only feedback.

The fear of failing stifles many otherwise promising relationships. The belief that relationships are doomed to fail, sets us up to watch for and amplify any little sign of trouble. With our radar set to pick up on any problems, we will easily find evidence to support our fears. Which makes us more vigilant, resulting in seeing more signs of trouble. We begin a downward spiral, which erodes our relationship.

Imagine the effect on a relationship if instead of fear, we had hope. What might happen if we set our radar to pick up on evidence of strength in our relationship? What if we watched for and amplified any little sign of success? We would inevitably find what we were looking for, leading to more hope. Take the challenge to create an upward spiral in your relationship. See problems as learning opportunities—information about what is not working and a chance to find something that does work.

Perhaps we could adopt the attitude of Edison, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine