Cutting The Apron Strings Improves Marriage

Cutting The Apron Strings Improves Marriage

A very important step in creating a happy and lasting marriage is that of becoming independent from your family of origin. If you are discussing issues with your parents rather than with your partner, then you have not cut the apron strings. There is no problem with consulting either set of parents for advice occasionally. But the decision-making needs to lie with the two of you.

Creating a sure foundation for your relationship means becoming an adult in your parent’s home and moving your priorities and loyalty to your marriage. It is very helpful when parents are willing to allow their children to become adults and respect their need to form their own family. But if parents are unwilling to let go, then it is the responsibility of the son or daughter to kindly and firmly set boundaries with their respective family. There can be a sense of loss on both sides as the relationships change and although difficult this is a necessary step.

If as a couple you have each other’s backs and you set healthy boundaries with your own parents to protect your partner and your relationship, your marriage can be a safe haven. If on the other hand either of you allow your family to interfere in your relationship or set your loyalty to your family of origin over your marriage your inability to commit completely to your marriage will in time erode your relationship with your partner.

Some may just want their partner to recognize how important their family of origin is to them and do not want to have to choose between their family and their partner. Some even go so far as to say, “If I have to choose, I will never choose you over my family.” This stance is not recognizing that choosing to become an adult and to form your own family does not mean that you do not love and care about your family of origin. It does mean choosing to stand on your own two feet, taking responsibility for your own emotional, physical and financial support and recognizing that you have formed your own family. It means no longer accepting “strings attached” help from your parents. It means turning to your partner, rather than your family of origin first. It means feeling and acting like a team, making your adult family a priority and recognizing that you are separate and yet connected in healthy ways to your family of origin.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine