Marriage: Getting Better Results

There is a common computer phrase, “Garbage in, garbage out,” that tells us the quality of our results will depend on the quality of our input. When we apply this concept to marriage we can begin to create better results.

The first thing to do is evaluate the quality of the effort that you are putting into your relationship. If you want your relationship to be everything that you dreamed it would be, then you need to carefully consider what you are putting into it.

To see top quality results your need top quality input. You need to not only avoid the “garbage in” behaviors like criticism, rudeness, neglect, withdrawal, dishonesty and defensiveness, but you need to replace them relationship-building behaviors.

Replace Criticism with Gratitude

Unlike criticism, gratitude always feels good to the receiver. Gratitude means noticing and acknowledging what your partner does that contributes to your relationship. Gratitude is an excellent motivator, it lets us know what is working and encourages us to do more of what is working.

Replace Rudeness with Courtesy

Courtesy is always welcome in every relationship. Courtesy shows respect and always leaves everyone’s dignity intact. If your partner is rude on occasion, responding with courtesy will take the heat out of the moment and lead to better communication and easier resolution of the problem.

Replace Neglect with Time Together

Taking time frequently for eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart contact will strengthen your relationship like little else can. There is no substitute, in creating intimacy in your relationship, for making time for each other. Being emotionally available and supportive as partner creates feelings of contentment and satisfaction.

Replace Withdrawal with Sharing

Rather than withdrawing yourself or your affection when you feel hurt or disappointed, choose instead to share with your partner. Share your feelings and thoughts. Take time to talk things through, not in an accusing way, but in an effort to understand and appreciate each other. Share not just the problems, but share your dreams, desires and fears. The more you share and validate each other the closer you will become.

Replace Dishonesty with Honesty

Honesty builds trust. For true honesty to be possible in your relationship, you need to create an atmosphere where it is safe to be honest with each other. Honesty followed by punishment does not lead to more honesty. Learn to accept and encourage honesty.

Replace Defensiveness with Openness

Instead of getting defensive if your partner brings up and issue, try getting curious instead. Try to completely understand where your partner is coming from, be open to hearing their thoughts and feelings. Openness allows for creative problem solving, it becomes the two of you against the problem rather than fighting against each other.

“Garbage in” behaviors give you “garbage out” results, but “quality in” behavior give you “quality out” results. The more you can incorporate “quality in” behaviors in your relationship the stronger and more satisfying it will become.


Susan Derry

Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples.

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine