Mathematical Relationships

“Build. Create. Live well, laugh often, love much. It needn’t be a fight all the time.”
Martin Caidin

This advice is the best advice for loving relationships. In our relationships, when things are going well, we usually just drift along, not doing much different; we are content with the status quo. When the relationship starts to go sideways we just fight about every little thing that bothers us, we still are content with the status quo.

Paul McKenna, author of Change Your Life in Seven Days, says that if you want your life to be different you need to do different, say and think different; otherwise we get the status quo. In order for a relationship to truly change and change for the better we need a plan of attack. An idea of what we want and how to achieve that ideal.

There is a need to build the trust between the two partners, where each feels secure and honored in the relationship. Doing this is very simple, two words: “Don’t lie.” Honesty is always, always the best policy. Lying to save some trouble only creates more trouble. There is no such thing as a little lie; it is just a lie, not the truth, a fib or whatever you want to call it. Bottom line is that it is a lie.



Relationships are place to create the life you want. Ask yourself what it is you want from life, from your relationship? Be creative, shoot for the moon if that is what you want, just trust yourself and your feelings about what it is you are seeking. Dream large, it is the large dreams that create change.

The most important part of this is the next line in the quote, to live well, laugh and love. Life is not about the end result. Even if you know exactly what it is you want out of life you will be happiest working at achieving it, not reaching it. Enjoy your time living your life, laughing and having fun. Loving each other with a powerful thirst for love and life. Creating a life worth living, not just plugging away, building up treasures in heaven; but enjoy that little piece of heaven right now.

The secret to a long lasting happy relationship is mathematical. A ratio: five to one. That is it, very simple, five positive and good things done for every one negative thing that happens between the two of you. So does that mean no fighting, no disagreements, no being upset, of course not. It means that all couple do those things, they fight, they argue, they disagree, often disagreeably, they do get upset. The secret is that for each of those types of engagements there is at least five good things happening within that relationship.

They are anxiously engaged in a good work, that good work is building and enjoying a great relationship. They trust each other, accept each other as they are, they forgive, forget and let things go. Little things stay little things and bigger things are dealt with thus, when there is a blow out it is not relationship shaking. Having fun together is the best way to build up the five good things.

Enjoy each other, each other’s company, do things together, like work together, play together, cry together. Life has enough troubles and trials without out partner becoming one of them. One of the best ways to build up your relationship is to face life as a team. You will say you know what that means and you do that, but do you really.

In a fight does your partner become the problem, the thing, the object of your anger? That is not the sign of a team. What needs to happen is that the focus comes off the other person and switches to the real problem. The scenario looks like this; the two of you are sitting together, side by side and the problem is out in front of you. It is now not “you are the problem” but “we have a problem.” And now “we” can solve it.

Five to One. Remember it. Practice it.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine