Using Your Temper To Your Advantage

Using Your Temper To Your Advantage

You can learn to recognize and channel your anger before you see red. Once you reach the level where anger turns to rage and you lose your temper, the logical part of your brain stops working and you are driven by your basest reactions.

Anger is a feeling, and as such is neither good or bad. Feeling angry is not a problem, having a temper is not a problem. Allowing your anger or your temper to run you can be a problem. The minimum consequence is that your behavior will be counter productive and actually hamper you getting your needs met. The maximum consequence is a jail sentence or worse when you cause harm to property, others or yourself.

Anger gives us a warning signal that something is unfair or unjust. Anger is also generally a secondary emotion, meaning that we feel something else, however briefly, before we feel angry. These primary feelings could be fear, hurt, disappointment, etc. We go to anger because it makes us feel more powerful than fear, hurt or disappointment. But allowing our anger to take control of us gives us a false sense of control. Pause and ask yourself, what is the feeling underneath my anger? And what do I most need right now? If the answer is revenge, pause again and take some deep breaths.

Some people are afraid to express or even to feel their anger. They passively internalize it and in time this stored anger can turn into depression. It can also contribute to choices to seek relief in addictions such as shopping, eating, substances or other ways of numbing out.

Some people are overwhelmed by their anger. Allowing it to spill all over those around them. This behavior tends to pump up anger, at times leading to violent behavior. They may discharge their anger, but they harm themselves and others in the process.

Some people accept and embrace their anger. They are aware of their rising temper and look at which of their needs are not being met. They use and channel their anger in an assertive and respectful way to communicate their feelings and needs to others.

Being able to acknowledge and feel your anger, get the message that feeling is trying to give you and respond in a calm manner will give you the greatest sense of control. This type of self-control gives a sense of peace. A lack of self-control robs us of inner peace.

A controlled temper is a useful tool. If you keep your temper, you will be able to consciously choose your actions. Just as harnessing the power of explosions propels vehicles forward, harnessing the power of your anger can help move you forward.

How to use your temper to your advantage:

1. Allow your anger to be a signal that something is unjust or not right.
2. Allow your anger to help you be assertive and stand up for yourself.
3. Allow your anger to be a cue to look deeper and identify the underlying feelings and needs.
4. Allow your anger to motivate you to make some changes.   

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine