Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents

If you had a perfect childhood, you may not feel that you need to heal your relationship with your parents. But since most of us grew up in less than perfect some healing may be welcome.

What is the thing that you have tried for years to get from your mother or from your father? Is it approval, unconditional love, or acceptance?

If you are now an adult, I would like to extend a challenge to take hold of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your parents have been or are unable to give you what you want and need. As long as you remain where you are, waiting for them to change so that you can be happy, you will continue to experience disappointment and frustration.

If on the other hand you want to take charge of your life and heal your relationship with your parents then I have some suggestions that might help:

First of all know that there are times and cases where the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to avoid or minimize contact with your parents. If there is or was abuse and the abuser refuses to accept responsibility, you may need to limit contact. You have the right to protect yourself, without guilt.

Also know that what you need and want from your mother or father may not be within their power to give you. They may not know how to love unconditionally or how to show approval. They may not have received these in their own childhoods.

Know that you are the one who wants things to improve and that the only person you can change is you. Accept that you have the ability to begin to heal your relationships. Begin by healing your relationship with you. You can choose to give yourself approval, unconditional love and acceptance.

Know that you can begin to heal your relationship with your parents by offering them what it is that you need and want from them. Become your own grandparent. If you have been seeking approval for years, give your parents approval. If you feel you have been missing unconditional acceptance, give that to your parents.

It may be a little awkward at first since these are probably not things that they are used to hearing or receiving—if they were used to being treated this way you would already be getting it from them. But if you persist there is a good possibility that some of what you are giving to them will start coming back to you. As they start to feel loved and accepted they will be more able to share that with others.

Even if they never change, you will benefit from becoming an adult with your parents. You will feel more empowered and sure of yourself.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine