Do You Know Why Men Leave Relationships

This is a most read article for women who want to know why men leave relationships so they can learn to keep their relationship intact. Due to the misconceptions that are rooted from our society, we humans have the tendency to make things complicated than they already are


You most have heard the saying: "Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love". The problem is, that doesn't have to be the way it is. While there might be some truth to that it just perpetuates a common flaw in our way of thinking: that men want and need sex more than women and that sex is all men need to be happy.

That's simply not true. For the most part men and women have similar sex drives but our society, and really throughout history, men have been encouraged to 'sow their wild oats' and women have been told they have to be 'good girls'. So men are used to giving in to their desires and women are used to putting their desires on hold.

No wonder relationships seem like such a challenge! Half the population doesn't feel like they have any control over their urges and the other half feels like their urges are wrong!

For anyone who wants a stable loving relationship you will need to re-think many of the concepts you were brought up to believe. The truth is that anyone, men or women, will leave unfulfilled relationships and all but the shallowest people want to be fulfilled in many ways not just sexually.

In order to really have a loving long term relationship you need to have connections: physical, spiritual, and emotional. These are necessary for the success of any long term relationship. All people want to feel like they are accepted, understood, desired, and loved by their partners.

Most often relationships starts breaking up when one or more of these needs aren't met. So if you want to know why men leave relationships so you can prevent it from happening to you, it is important to connect with your man physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and both of you will be happy, fulfilled, and committed to the relationship forever.


Discover The secret to understanding men -- and using it to your advantage

Relationships And The Ten Thousand Hour Rule

The time you put into your relationships will help to determine the success or failure of those relationships. Whether the relationship is with your partner or your children, time is an important factor. You may have heard the song, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, where the little boy grew up to be just like his Dad, too busy to find time to spend with his Dad, who had been too busy to spend time with him when he was young.

Being too busy to spend time together erodes the best of relationships. Take note of where you are putting your time. Where we choose to spend our time says a lot about what our priorities are. If we say that our partner and lover is the most important person in the world to us yet consistently give them the left over minutes in our day, we are fooling ourselves.

Have you put 10,000 hours into your relationship? According to Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, we can become an expert in anything that we spend 10,000 hours doing.

If you spent between 2 and 3 hours a day on your relationships, you would reach mastery in approximately 10 years. You could become a master in relating to your partner or your childen. Ten minutes a day, however, will take you 164 years and will probably not get the results you want.

Simply spending time in the same room, does not lead to mastery; just as your sitting in the same room as a piano for hours a day will never improve your playing skills. To master relationship skills requires that you relate to one another--that you practice negotiating, cooperating, communicating, and most of all self-discipline and self-soothing.

We encourage couples to commit themselves to go on a weekly date-to continue courting and making great memories together. We encourage couples to talk to each other everyday and make their relationship a top priority in their lives. Many relationship problems would dissolve with healthy dose of quality time together.

Likewise, if you want to have a close relationship with your children spend time with them doing something positive at least weekly. Talk with them, not at them. Try applying the Ten Thousand Hour rule to the relationships that you value.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Commitment

Most couples when they get married feel that theirs is a
relationship that will stand through all of life’s battles and
in reality they are right about fifty percent of the time.
Approximately half of the marriages end in divorce. These are
terrible odds; most people would not place a bet on these
chances. What makes this even sadder is the fact that there is a
large portion of the remaining marriages that are not happy. So
these couples are right about sticking through the battles but
they end up badly scarred.

So what can you do to not only stay together but to be happy as
well. As counselors, we have found a few things that may help
with both. The first deals with commitment. But you could say
that the opening sentence deals with commitment, couples get
married sure that they will last. This true, that is their
desire but are they committed. In society today, with the
divorce rates being what they are, there is a prevailing thought
that if things get tough you just up and walk away. Couples have
a built in escape route.

Thinking or believing this way makes it hard to put a one
hundred percent effort into your marriage. People tend to think,
“Why should I work this hard when I can just walk away and start
fresh again.” To be able to commit all of your time and efforts
into your relationship you need to redefine commitment.
Commitment requires both parties putting away fairy tale dreams
and understanding that a strong, happy relationship requires
effort.

Commitment is a two-fold idea. First you commit to each other
and to your relationship. Experience has shown that open or
looser relationships tend to end up on the rocks. So you commit
to each other, this is your spouse, your friend, your partner
and very important, your lover. Commitment requires one hundred
percent fidelity to each other. We have couple after couple
coming in and saying that their partner has cheated.

Often when asked if they had an affair, physically making love
to another person most answer no. They may say that their
partner is unfaithful on “Facebook,” or by email, or texting.
Some say their spouse still calls other or former significant
others. The fact is that they feel cheated by their partner’s
sharing of his or her intimate desires, sexual fantasies, or
just the tremendous amounts of time spent on-line, or in some
cases in person, talking or communicating with someone else.

So, the moral of the story is if you want to do those types of
things, don’t; unless it is with your spouse. That is commitment
part one. Next, you need to be committed to your relationship.
But you will say that I just addressed that, no I didn’t. This
is the part where you say “I am married” and you say it no
matter what. Never remove your wedding ring just because you are
not with your partner, the ring signifies that commitment. Make
sure everybody that you become close friends with knows you are
married and want to stay that way. People know that your spouse
and your relationship are very important to you.

Part two of commitment: you need to be committed to making your
relationship something worth committing to. There are many
people out there who are committed to their relationship but are
unhappy. They feel that divorce is not an option but seem to
think that being happy in not an option either. What is
necessary here is an understanding that happiness is an
individual choice. When you both chose to be happy, life is
better. You also need to realize that happiness never just
happens, it needs time, effort and work. Just because there is a
hiccup does not mean that life is over and he or she doesn’t
love you; it just means life has happened.

Now is when you show just how mature and committed you are. Talk
it over, work it out, do what needs to be done, get over it,
forgive, try a little kindness, cut each other some slack, look
at it from their viewpoint, try to see things a little
different, don’t always have to be right or get your way; all
clichés but all true, that’s how they became clichés. Life is
never one way or the other; there are always options. Very few
things need to be deal breakers.

The best advice we can offer at this juncture is to do what you
did when you were falling in love. We realize that time has
changed and life has changed but your love for each other need
not. Date each other, talk to each other (about anything and
everything, tell each other jokes, happy things), touch each
other (this is not sexual but it can become sensual) and often.
Have “meetings” to discuss schedules, events, needs and other
business of life. These meetings allow you to adjust, adapt and
know what is going on in each other’s life.

Have fun together, but don’t stress over it. We had a client who
didn’t enjoy the moments of her vacation with her partner
because she was too worried about he fact that she wasn’t having
“fun” all the time. A fact of life is that the majority of life
is spent being comfortable with the highs and lows taking about
the same portion of the remaining time.

Roger Ebert said; “Never marry anyone you could not sit next to
on a three day bus trip.” Well you are on a trip through life so
decide that you can, you want to and you will sit next to this
person and enjoy every bump, every sunset and sunrise together.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents

If you had a perfect childhood, you may not feel that you need to heal your relationship with your parents. But since most of us grew up in less than perfect some healing may be welcome.

What is the thing that you have tried for years to get from your mother or from your father? Is it approval, unconditional love, or acceptance?

If you are now an adult, I would like to extend a challenge to take hold of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your parents have been or are unable to give you what you want and need. As long as you remain where you are, waiting for them to change so that you can be happy, you will continue to experience disappointment and frustration.

If on the other hand you want to take charge of your life and heal your relationship with your parents then I have some suggestions that might help:

First of all know that there are times and cases where the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to avoid or minimize contact with your parents. If there is or was abuse and the abuser refuses to accept responsibility, you may need to limit contact. You have the right to protect yourself, without guilt.

Also know that what you need and want from your mother or father may not be within their power to give you. They may not know how to love unconditionally or how to show approval. They may not have received these in their own childhoods.

Know that you are the one who wants things to improve and that the only person you can change is you. Accept that you have the ability to begin to heal your relationships. Begin by healing your relationship with you. You can choose to give yourself approval, unconditional love and acceptance.

Know that you can begin to heal your relationship with your parents by offering them what it is that you need and want from them. Become your own grandparent. If you have been seeking approval for years, give your parents approval. If you feel you have been missing unconditional acceptance, give that to your parents.

It may be a little awkward at first since these are probably not things that they are used to hearing or receiving—if they were used to being treated this way you would already be getting it from them. But if you persist there is a good possibility that some of what you are giving to them will start coming back to you. As they start to feel loved and accepted they will be more able to share that with others.

Even if they never change, you will benefit from becoming an adult with your parents. You will feel more empowered and sure of yourself.


Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine