Syrup on the Table

In every relationship there are moments when we don’t feel particularly loving with our partner. Does this mean we are not “in love” with them? Of course not, it just means we are human and have our good days and our bad days. As human beings we are capable of deep committed loving relationships. Also, we are capable, at the same time, of feeling disconnected, upset, angry and frustrated with the person with whom we are in love. This seems to be a dichotomy, a serious one that can cause us pain in our relationships.

Not necessarily so. These two opposing feelings are on two different levels. One, the commitment, is deep within our psyche. It is fostered in a place where our sense of self, our sense of wonder, our sense of life is formed. The other is merely a surface level blip. This is like the syrup spilled on the dining room table, sticky but a little work and perseverance takes care of it. But if left to dry and get hard it becomes harder to remove and may leave a stain.

When life interferes with our relationships and causes those momentary irritations with each other it’s just like the syrup spill—immediate care should be taken to clean up the problem. The first step is to acknowledge that you love your partner and he or she is entitled to be out-of-sorts sometimes. They can have reactions to bad hair days just like anyone else, including your self.

When we accept our partners without strings or conditions we allow them to be themselves and to change if they desire change. If we see them as a person like ourselves with hopes, fears, dreams and goals we can see them in their entirety, their humanness. We can say that we make mistakes and so can they.

The trick is to not blame, ever. When we blame someone, then we have to find them blameworthy in order to justify our blame. So, back to step one, just accept what happened, happened. Try to understand what our partner did, felt, wants, needs or is trying to get with his or her actions. When we accept then it is easier to understand and forgive, step three, if necessary.

Talk to them and listen to what they are saying, not only with their mouths, but also with their body language. We know our partner quite well so it should be fairly simple to know when something is not quite right. Look behind the incident for reasons and causes. This step is crucial to cleaning up the syrup so there are no sticky stains left to deal with later. Never hold grudges, deal with the issue and put it to bed, don’t keep dragging it up.

Always remember that this is the person you love and want to be with, don’t let them become the “problem.” They are always themselves and never an object, which is what we make them when we call them stupid, jerk, dumb, bonehead or belittle and demean them. Always, always treat them with the respect and dignity you want to be treated with.

Finally, just remember what Gandhi said, “If you want change, be that change.” Love your partner; serve your partner, giving of yourself. How do we love each other? Through service, little acts of caring and thoughtfulness. Just keep in mind that we like syrup on our waffles and that it takes a little effort to not spill and make a mess.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Commitment

Most couples when they get married feel that theirs is a
relationship that will stand through all of life’s battles and
in reality they are right about fifty percent of the time.
Approximately half of the marriages end in divorce. These are
terrible odds; most people would not place a bet on these
chances. What makes this even sadder is the fact that there is a
large portion of the remaining marriages that are not happy. So
these couples are right about sticking through the battles but
they end up badly scarred.

So what can you do to not only stay together but to be happy as
well. As counselors, we have found a few things that may help
with both. The first deals with commitment. But you could say
that the opening sentence deals with commitment, couples get
married sure that they will last. This true, that is their
desire but are they committed. In society today, with the
divorce rates being what they are, there is a prevailing thought
that if things get tough you just up and walk away. Couples have
a built in escape route.

Thinking or believing this way makes it hard to put a one
hundred percent effort into your marriage. People tend to think,
“Why should I work this hard when I can just walk away and start
fresh again.” To be able to commit all of your time and efforts
into your relationship you need to redefine commitment.
Commitment requires both parties putting away fairy tale dreams
and understanding that a strong, happy relationship requires
effort.

Commitment is a two-fold idea. First you commit to each other
and to your relationship. Experience has shown that open or
looser relationships tend to end up on the rocks. So you commit
to each other, this is your spouse, your friend, your partner
and very important, your lover. Commitment requires one hundred
percent fidelity to each other. We have couple after couple
coming in and saying that their partner has cheated.

Often when asked if they had an affair, physically making love
to another person most answer no. They may say that their
partner is unfaithful on “Facebook,” or by email, or texting.
Some say their spouse still calls other or former significant
others. The fact is that they feel cheated by their partner’s
sharing of his or her intimate desires, sexual fantasies, or
just the tremendous amounts of time spent on-line, or in some
cases in person, talking or communicating with someone else.

So, the moral of the story is if you want to do those types of
things, don’t; unless it is with your spouse. That is commitment
part one. Next, you need to be committed to your relationship.
But you will say that I just addressed that, no I didn’t. This
is the part where you say “I am married” and you say it no
matter what. Never remove your wedding ring just because you are
not with your partner, the ring signifies that commitment. Make
sure everybody that you become close friends with knows you are
married and want to stay that way. People know that your spouse
and your relationship are very important to you.

Part two of commitment: you need to be committed to making your
relationship something worth committing to. There are many
people out there who are committed to their relationship but are
unhappy. They feel that divorce is not an option but seem to
think that being happy in not an option either. What is
necessary here is an understanding that happiness is an
individual choice. When you both chose to be happy, life is
better. You also need to realize that happiness never just
happens, it needs time, effort and work. Just because there is a
hiccup does not mean that life is over and he or she doesn’t
love you; it just means life has happened.

Now is when you show just how mature and committed you are. Talk
it over, work it out, do what needs to be done, get over it,
forgive, try a little kindness, cut each other some slack, look
at it from their viewpoint, try to see things a little
different, don’t always have to be right or get your way; all
clichés but all true, that’s how they became clichés. Life is
never one way or the other; there are always options. Very few
things need to be deal breakers.

The best advice we can offer at this juncture is to do what you
did when you were falling in love. We realize that time has
changed and life has changed but your love for each other need
not. Date each other, talk to each other (about anything and
everything, tell each other jokes, happy things), touch each
other (this is not sexual but it can become sensual) and often.
Have “meetings” to discuss schedules, events, needs and other
business of life. These meetings allow you to adjust, adapt and
know what is going on in each other’s life.

Have fun together, but don’t stress over it. We had a client who
didn’t enjoy the moments of her vacation with her partner
because she was too worried about he fact that she wasn’t having
“fun” all the time. A fact of life is that the majority of life
is spent being comfortable with the highs and lows taking about
the same portion of the remaining time.

Roger Ebert said; “Never marry anyone you could not sit next to
on a three day bus trip.” Well you are on a trip through life so
decide that you can, you want to and you will sit next to this
person and enjoy every bump, every sunset and sunrise together.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine