Syrup on the Table

In every relationship there are moments when we don’t feel particularly loving with our partner. Does this mean we are not “in love” with them? Of course not, it just means we are human and have our good days and our bad days. As human beings we are capable of deep committed loving relationships. Also, we are capable, at the same time, of feeling disconnected, upset, angry and frustrated with the person with whom we are in love. This seems to be a dichotomy, a serious one that can cause us pain in our relationships.

Not necessarily so. These two opposing feelings are on two different levels. One, the commitment, is deep within our psyche. It is fostered in a place where our sense of self, our sense of wonder, our sense of life is formed. The other is merely a surface level blip. This is like the syrup spilled on the dining room table, sticky but a little work and perseverance takes care of it. But if left to dry and get hard it becomes harder to remove and may leave a stain.

When life interferes with our relationships and causes those momentary irritations with each other it’s just like the syrup spill—immediate care should be taken to clean up the problem. The first step is to acknowledge that you love your partner and he or she is entitled to be out-of-sorts sometimes. They can have reactions to bad hair days just like anyone else, including your self.

When we accept our partners without strings or conditions we allow them to be themselves and to change if they desire change. If we see them as a person like ourselves with hopes, fears, dreams and goals we can see them in their entirety, their humanness. We can say that we make mistakes and so can they.

The trick is to not blame, ever. When we blame someone, then we have to find them blameworthy in order to justify our blame. So, back to step one, just accept what happened, happened. Try to understand what our partner did, felt, wants, needs or is trying to get with his or her actions. When we accept then it is easier to understand and forgive, step three, if necessary.

Talk to them and listen to what they are saying, not only with their mouths, but also with their body language. We know our partner quite well so it should be fairly simple to know when something is not quite right. Look behind the incident for reasons and causes. This step is crucial to cleaning up the syrup so there are no sticky stains left to deal with later. Never hold grudges, deal with the issue and put it to bed, don’t keep dragging it up.

Always remember that this is the person you love and want to be with, don’t let them become the “problem.” They are always themselves and never an object, which is what we make them when we call them stupid, jerk, dumb, bonehead or belittle and demean them. Always, always treat them with the respect and dignity you want to be treated with.

Finally, just remember what Gandhi said, “If you want change, be that change.” Love your partner; serve your partner, giving of yourself. How do we love each other? Through service, little acts of caring and thoughtfulness. Just keep in mind that we like syrup on our waffles and that it takes a little effort to not spill and make a mess.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Why Don't You Just Leave?

It seems a puzzle and so easy to judge from the outside looking in, why would someone stay in an abusive relationship?

Often abused women cannot see a way out. They know and understand that staying is dangerous and that there is a possibility they could end up dead. But they also feel that leaving is dangerous and that by leaving they could also end up dead. They feel trapped in a lose-lose situation.

There are four psychological stages that abused women go through:

1. Denial. She excuses her partner’s behavior and refuses to see that there is a problem. If she seeks medical attention, she will tell the health care workers that she was injured accidentally.

2. Shame. She sees and acknowledges that there is a problem, but she feels responsible for it. If only she could be more perfect, her partner wouldn’t have to hit her or treat her badly.

3. Clarity. She recognizes that no one deserves to be abused, even her. She stops blaming herself for her partner’s behavior. Although she is still hopeful that things will improve and is still committed to her relationship.

4. Accountability. She understands that the abuse cycle does not stop unless someone leaves or dies. She decides that she absolutely will not live this way and does what she needs to do to start a new life.

As friends, family and co-worker, remember that “Why don’t you just?” questions and “I would never” comments do not help. The reasons for staying are complicated and personal. Instead of questioning her sensibility; help her to build her confidence and self-esteem. Consider calling the police if you have the opportunity, rather than looking the other way, and then be there to offer support.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

If this is a decision you have been pondering there are some questions you need to ask yourself:
First, ask yourself, “Why was getting married important to me?” and “Why was our relationship important to me?”

Next, ask yourself, “Who is my partner?” What do you really know about your partner? Not in a judgmental kind of way, but have you really paid attention to his/her opinions, preferences and feelings.

Also consider, “What is my behavior in this relationship?” and “What is it like to live with me?”

This is the “why”, “who” and “what” of marriage. The interesting thing is that you get married because of the “why”, you stay because of the “who” and if you leave your relationship it will be because of the “what.” When the “what” goes wrong, you are going to want to blame your partner and once you start blaming your partner you may start to wonder if there ever was a good “why” for you to be in this relationship. But problems begin with the “what.”

Before deciding to leave, you owe it to yourself to be sure. Making a real effort to mend your relationship is the only way to be sure that it cannot be saved. To correct your relationship problems you have to start with the “what.” Take a good hard look at your behavior in your relationship. What is it that you are doing that is contributing to your problems? What could you be doing that would improve things?

Start working on making your behavior such that it strengthens rather than weakens your relationship. Start doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. Behaving in a loving way toward your partner will lead to more loving feelings toward them.

Next learn about your partner. Get curious; find out what feels loving to them and then practice showing your love to them in ways that feel loving to them. Too often we try to love our partner by doing something that feels loving to us. We can miss the mark and end up doing a Homer Simpson (giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday).

Finally, remember why your relationship and your marriage was important to you. Now take this a step further and start to visualize and get a clear picture of what it is that you want your relationship to be like. Putting your focus and attention on creating what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want will help you to keep strong the “why” of your relationship.

You owe it to yourself to be sure. Leaving is a painful, sometimes necessary process, there are times where leaving is not the answer, growing is. However, if you are in an abusive relationship ignore the previous advise and leave as quickly and safely as you can.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine