Syrup on the Table

In every relationship there are moments when we don’t feel particularly loving with our partner. Does this mean we are not “in love” with them? Of course not, it just means we are human and have our good days and our bad days. As human beings we are capable of deep committed loving relationships. Also, we are capable, at the same time, of feeling disconnected, upset, angry and frustrated with the person with whom we are in love. This seems to be a dichotomy, a serious one that can cause us pain in our relationships.

Not necessarily so. These two opposing feelings are on two different levels. One, the commitment, is deep within our psyche. It is fostered in a place where our sense of self, our sense of wonder, our sense of life is formed. The other is merely a surface level blip. This is like the syrup spilled on the dining room table, sticky but a little work and perseverance takes care of it. But if left to dry and get hard it becomes harder to remove and may leave a stain.

When life interferes with our relationships and causes those momentary irritations with each other it’s just like the syrup spill—immediate care should be taken to clean up the problem. The first step is to acknowledge that you love your partner and he or she is entitled to be out-of-sorts sometimes. They can have reactions to bad hair days just like anyone else, including your self.

When we accept our partners without strings or conditions we allow them to be themselves and to change if they desire change. If we see them as a person like ourselves with hopes, fears, dreams and goals we can see them in their entirety, their humanness. We can say that we make mistakes and so can they.

The trick is to not blame, ever. When we blame someone, then we have to find them blameworthy in order to justify our blame. So, back to step one, just accept what happened, happened. Try to understand what our partner did, felt, wants, needs or is trying to get with his or her actions. When we accept then it is easier to understand and forgive, step three, if necessary.

Talk to them and listen to what they are saying, not only with their mouths, but also with their body language. We know our partner quite well so it should be fairly simple to know when something is not quite right. Look behind the incident for reasons and causes. This step is crucial to cleaning up the syrup so there are no sticky stains left to deal with later. Never hold grudges, deal with the issue and put it to bed, don’t keep dragging it up.

Always remember that this is the person you love and want to be with, don’t let them become the “problem.” They are always themselves and never an object, which is what we make them when we call them stupid, jerk, dumb, bonehead or belittle and demean them. Always, always treat them with the respect and dignity you want to be treated with.

Finally, just remember what Gandhi said, “If you want change, be that change.” Love your partner; serve your partner, giving of yourself. How do we love each other? Through service, little acts of caring and thoughtfulness. Just keep in mind that we like syrup on our waffles and that it takes a little effort to not spill and make a mess.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Guilt in Relationships

Guilt is a useful emotion if it is used rather than wallowed in. Guilt gives us valuable information. Healthy guilt means either we have done something that we should not have done or we have not done something that we should have done. This type of guilt, if it is used to motivate us to apologize and or learn from our mistakes can help us improve our relationships.

There is another kind of guilt that people pile on themselves when they have either accepted unrealistic expectations from others or they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. This type of guilt is used to prove that they are useless, worthless or otherwise horrible as a person. This guilt leads to shame, which saps people’s power and sense of self, it does not lead to self-improvement, but rather to continued discouragement.

Shame says, not that you have done something bad or wrong that needs correcting, but that you are bad or defective and there is nothing you can do about it. Unlike healthy guilt, shame does not tend to improve relationships. Instead shame tends to erode relationships. There is a real tendency to try and pass on the shame, to blame and criticize others to deflect the feelings of inadequacy from oneself.

Protect yourself by refusing to accept the shame that other’s try to put on you and by refusing to shame your self. Comments like, “If you had half a brain . . .” “A good wife/husband would never . . .” can be met with a simple “Thank you, I will think about that.” This kind of comment should stop the shamer in his/her tracks. Whether comments are shaming or not depends on more than the words used, it depends on the body language and tone of voice. But we all know what shame feels like.

If you find yourself feeling guilt or shame, stop and consider, “Is there something that I did or did not do that I ought to feel bad about?” If the answer is yes, then the next question is, “What can I do to remedy the situation?” Then take action based on what comes to mind. If the answer to the first question is, “No” then you can stop beating yourself up for something that does not belong to you. In a sense you can figuratively give the shame back to whomever it belongs.

The serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine