Guilt in Relationships

Guilt is a useful emotion if it is used rather than wallowed in. Guilt gives us valuable information. Healthy guilt means either we have done something that we should not have done or we have not done something that we should have done. This type of guilt, if it is used to motivate us to apologize and or learn from our mistakes can help us improve our relationships.

There is another kind of guilt that people pile on themselves when they have either accepted unrealistic expectations from others or they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. This type of guilt is used to prove that they are useless, worthless or otherwise horrible as a person. This guilt leads to shame, which saps people’s power and sense of self, it does not lead to self-improvement, but rather to continued discouragement.

Shame says, not that you have done something bad or wrong that needs correcting, but that you are bad or defective and there is nothing you can do about it. Unlike healthy guilt, shame does not tend to improve relationships. Instead shame tends to erode relationships. There is a real tendency to try and pass on the shame, to blame and criticize others to deflect the feelings of inadequacy from oneself.

Protect yourself by refusing to accept the shame that other’s try to put on you and by refusing to shame your self. Comments like, “If you had half a brain . . .” “A good wife/husband would never . . .” can be met with a simple “Thank you, I will think about that.” This kind of comment should stop the shamer in his/her tracks. Whether comments are shaming or not depends on more than the words used, it depends on the body language and tone of voice. But we all know what shame feels like.

If you find yourself feeling guilt or shame, stop and consider, “Is there something that I did or did not do that I ought to feel bad about?” If the answer is yes, then the next question is, “What can I do to remedy the situation?” Then take action based on what comes to mind. If the answer to the first question is, “No” then you can stop beating yourself up for something that does not belong to you. In a sense you can figuratively give the shame back to whomever it belongs.

The serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine