Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

If this is a decision you have been pondering there are some questions you need to ask yourself:
First, ask yourself, “Why was getting married important to me?” and “Why was our relationship important to me?”

Next, ask yourself, “Who is my partner?” What do you really know about your partner? Not in a judgmental kind of way, but have you really paid attention to his/her opinions, preferences and feelings.

Also consider, “What is my behavior in this relationship?” and “What is it like to live with me?”

This is the “why”, “who” and “what” of marriage. The interesting thing is that you get married because of the “why”, you stay because of the “who” and if you leave your relationship it will be because of the “what.” When the “what” goes wrong, you are going to want to blame your partner and once you start blaming your partner you may start to wonder if there ever was a good “why” for you to be in this relationship. But problems begin with the “what.”

Before deciding to leave, you owe it to yourself to be sure. Making a real effort to mend your relationship is the only way to be sure that it cannot be saved. To correct your relationship problems you have to start with the “what.” Take a good hard look at your behavior in your relationship. What is it that you are doing that is contributing to your problems? What could you be doing that would improve things?

Start working on making your behavior such that it strengthens rather than weakens your relationship. Start doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. Behaving in a loving way toward your partner will lead to more loving feelings toward them.

Next learn about your partner. Get curious; find out what feels loving to them and then practice showing your love to them in ways that feel loving to them. Too often we try to love our partner by doing something that feels loving to us. We can miss the mark and end up doing a Homer Simpson (giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday).

Finally, remember why your relationship and your marriage was important to you. Now take this a step further and start to visualize and get a clear picture of what it is that you want your relationship to be like. Putting your focus and attention on creating what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want will help you to keep strong the “why” of your relationship.

You owe it to yourself to be sure. Leaving is a painful, sometimes necessary process, there are times where leaving is not the answer, growing is. However, if you are in an abusive relationship ignore the previous advise and leave as quickly and safely as you can.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine