Why Don't You Just Leave?

It seems a puzzle and so easy to judge from the outside looking in, why would someone stay in an abusive relationship?

Often abused women cannot see a way out. They know and understand that staying is dangerous and that there is a possibility they could end up dead. But they also feel that leaving is dangerous and that by leaving they could also end up dead. They feel trapped in a lose-lose situation.

There are four psychological stages that abused women go through:

1. Denial. She excuses her partner’s behavior and refuses to see that there is a problem. If she seeks medical attention, she will tell the health care workers that she was injured accidentally.

2. Shame. She sees and acknowledges that there is a problem, but she feels responsible for it. If only she could be more perfect, her partner wouldn’t have to hit her or treat her badly.

3. Clarity. She recognizes that no one deserves to be abused, even her. She stops blaming herself for her partner’s behavior. Although she is still hopeful that things will improve and is still committed to her relationship.

4. Accountability. She understands that the abuse cycle does not stop unless someone leaves or dies. She decides that she absolutely will not live this way and does what she needs to do to start a new life.

As friends, family and co-worker, remember that “Why don’t you just?” questions and “I would never” comments do not help. The reasons for staying are complicated and personal. Instead of questioning her sensibility; help her to build her confidence and self-esteem. Consider calling the police if you have the opportunity, rather than looking the other way, and then be there to offer support.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine