How to Fix Your Relationship

“If we master the details, we win. If the details master us, we lose.” Jim Patterson

One of the common complaints I hear in counseling relationships is “I don’t know what to do to make it better.” I believe most couples in a committed relationship want to make it work. They remember times when things were good and they were happy and they want it back. But they just can’t figure it out, what do they do to make it right? They love each other, are willing to work on the relationship, willing to make some sacrifices if they only could figure out what they were.

Usually the biggest question to solving their dilemma is to figure out where it went wrong in the first place. Part of the problem is to find out where the relationship is broken and why. They can’t fix what they don’t know about. Where did it all begin? What is holding up the healing process? Why can’t they repair the damage done? All these questions are serious and they need serious answers.

 One of the major blocks is communication, how they talk to each other, what they say and how they say it; all contribute to either the problem or the solution. Communication has been addressed before in this forum and will be again at another time. Suffice it to say that they need to learn how to communicate effectively to each other. The key word there is learn. My personal belief, and I find that it is re-enforced continually counseling, is that every thing that makes a relationship work and be success is a learned behavior.

People have this tendency to believe that just because they are human, they love each other that successful relationships just happen. Well, relationships may just happen but successful, happy relationships are ones that people work at. They need to learn about this particular partner. What are their triggers? What makes them happy? How do they react under stress and pressure? What do they need to calm themselves? How and what kind of language do they use and are their definitions different then the partners? And so on and on and on.

Another problem today, with the prevalence of more than one relationship, most people have at least one serious relationship before they find their dream match, is that people tend to take what they have learned about their previous partner and try to make their new partner fit that mold. Ain’t ever going to happen. Every body is a unique and special individual and needs unique and special care.

So how to fix the relationship? First they need to learn every thing they can about their partner. An example: I have a very dear friend, whom I’ve known forever, when he and his wife were much younger there was an incident in their relationship that exposed this lack of learning. My friend was on the way home and he stopped at the local supermarket for something and noticed that roses were on sale. So, being madly in love with his wife and wanting to be the hero he bought her a dozen roses.

When he gave them to her all he got was a “Yeah, thanks.” She was not excited, happy or impressed; he was not the hero. The first consequence of this was that there was a great deal of hurt feelings and drama in their home for a couple of days and resentment that led to the next consequence; which was that she did not get flowers for years. Several years later when they were both happier in their relationship she asked why he did not buy her flowers, his answer of course you all know. “Why would I buy flowers when you don’t appreciate them or thank me for them?”

This led to a learning discussion. It turns out she hates roses and was upset he did not know or care to know that about her. How could he have known? The easiest way would have been to ask her in the start of their relationship what her favorite flowers were. Next, all he had to do was look around their home. She never planted any roses, never brought fresh cut roses into the house; she brought all sorts of other flowers but not roses. That is how he should have or could have learned.

What about her, how could she have learned? She did know that he loved surprising her with little gifts and stuff just because he loved her so she could have known that if he was this traditional he would probably buy her roses at some time, so she could have avoided any kind of hurt feelings by telling him up front what kinds of flowers she liked.

The quote at the top of this discussion talks about the details. It is so true that if you don’t pay attention to the details in your relationships that life will control you. The reason most people don’t know where it went wrong is because they don’t understand the significance of doing the little things right. The old joke about how to remember you wife’s birthday is to forget it once demonstrates the truth about how much we all want the little things in our life.

People usually don’t care how much the gift cost if it shows that the other person gave it some thought, knew enough about the other to give the right gift. Little things like a foot rub to a tired partner, a quick hug when you get home, “how was your day,” a favorite treat when they are down or even just whenever, asking the other their opinion and listening and giving it just as much credence as your own, listening to their happy ramblings or their quiet sorrows, helping without being asked, knowing your partner well enough that you know what the little things are. These are the details, knowing them, taking care of them, doing them all take care of the relationship.

So how do you fix the relationship; well, if it isn’t gone completely cold and you need professional help, start by learning about each other, then do the little things, take care of each other and the details in your relationship.

“Life is never as long as we want it to be, and wasted time can never be recovered.” Nora Roberts

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine