Relationships: Don't Do That

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou

Frequently when receiving marriage counsel you are asked to do something. Maybe you are told to talk more about your feelings or to listen more empathetically to your spouse, or perhaps to set goals and create a vision. These are good and important activities in your relationship but there is something different that will be asked of you today. That is to refrain from doing something—to not do something that may be aggravating your relationship.

To begin you will need to do something, make a list of things in your relationship that would cause Dr. Phil to ask, “And how is that working for you?” This list can include little day-to-day irritants to your spouse or major trust and love issues. If you have been married for any length of time you will have a list already because these are the things your spouse brings up every time you get into a fight or have a disagreement. You know the “you always do that,” or “this happens every time,” and the ever present “you’ll never change.” Just fill in the blank.

Next, seriously consider which of these issues you can’t or won’t change. Saying that you are not willing to change something about yourself is okay. In fact it is essential to stand up for yourself, there are values and beliefs that you hold dear that make you, well, you. Becoming someone you are not for your spouse is a sure road to resentment, dislike, frustration and pain. It will in no way ever leads to happiness, not for you, not for your relationship and not for your spouse. So you must look at your list and decide which of the items are not open for discussion or change. You really have to be brutally honest with yourself here, make sure when you say you can’t change something it is not just because you don’t want to, or you are too lazy to. Be fair to yourself, your spouse and your relationship.

Now you should have a shortened list of things that you are willing to work on, to change or drop completely. The next step requires some hard thought, prioritize your list, use whatever parameters you choose. It could be from the most irritating to your spouse to the least, or maybe from the shortest time to change to the longest, perhaps from the easiest to the hardest. However you make the choice make sure it is your decision because it is best and easiest for you when you “buy into it.”

Now comes the different part, stop doing that particular thing. Make a decision to not do whatever it is that you have chosen not to do. Make a positive affirmation statement that you can repeat about the issue. An example of this could be: “I am happy, content and grateful for the changes dropping this (fill in the blank) has brought into my life, into the life of my spouse, and into our relationship.” Repeat this to yourself several times a day, with conviction and with positive emotion.

It is equally important to realize that you will have slip-ups and that it is not the end of the world, cut yourself some slack, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again. It helps to determine some time frames so that you can celebrate the times when you succeed. Finally work your way through the list. Don’t get impatient, be happy with your attempts and keep trying.

“Many aspire to change the world but few realize that everyone accomplishes that goal. Each day you live you are changing something. Rather than simply changing the world, one should aspire to make a positive change with each action they commit.” unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine