Strengthen Your Relationship by Staying Positive

Life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans and good intentions. Nobody gets married planning on forgetting that they love their spouse, nobody intends to let their job or school take precedent over the person they love but it happens. All to frequently, it happens. We see it all the time in counseling. People get so caught up in “living” they forget the important part of living; the person they love.

We have a tendency to take our partners for granted. Especially after we have been married for a time. We think; “She (or he) will always be there.” Boom! Our loved one is not happy, they are talking about leaving and we can’t figure out where this came from.

What you must understand is that if you are not actively taking care of your relationship you are inactively destroying it.  A marriage takes constant work. We always need to be looking for positive things in our relationship. We need to be actively engaged in positive reinforcement of the reasons we got married. As I have mentioned in a different article, it takes five positive interactions for every negative one in order for a marriage to last.

So what are some positive things that we can do in our relationships? Are there any signs of positive relationship interactions, aside from the silly happy glow about those couples that have “mastered” it? Positive relationship signs are words, attitudes, gestures, facial expressions, and body language that communicate our love, concern, care, desire to be with and attraction to each other. Words of love expressed when one leaves to go to work, words and hugs of appreciation for unexpected giving (which in itself is a positive sign), holding hands, lightly touching each other when passing; the list is endless and varied as the couples who use them.

Fondness and admiration are two very powerful positive relationship signs.  Appreciation is another. Touches, kisses, and little gestures of affection all build positivity quickly. Care and concern are two more ways to build the positive energy in your relationship, demonstrating to your partner that you are just as concerned about them as you are about yourself puts you miles ahead. Where you put your time and effort tells what you value most. So do a quick check, where do you spend most of your time and effort?

A fun way to get started on changing your relationship energy from negative or neutral to positive is to sit down and compose an appreciation poem or if you are not particularly poetic just a list of the things you appreciate about your partner. Although home crafted poetry, even if it is a little sappy, gets lots of points. This list can include anything about your partner and your relationship and your life together that you really appreciate. When you have got it all down on paper or in the computer, make it pretty, nice bonded paper, your favorite non-business font, fancy border and so forth. Roll it up like a scroll, tie it with a pretty ribbon, call your spouse, make plans to meet at your favorite romantic spot or restaurant and then give the scroll to them with the appropriate words and gestures.  This list will be a cherished gift if presented properly.

Once you know what you really admire and appreciate about your partner make it a priority to express one thing daily to them. “Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you." I couldn't help think how much I admire you for _____________." “Remember the time when_________, Man I thought you were so hot." It really is the little things that mean the most so, yes sweat the small stuff. A hero is not the one who shows up once in a while to do the impressive; a hero is the one who is there all the time doing the little things.

In all things, turn toward your partner not away.  Turning toward is being interested in what they have to say, in their opinions, it means showing care and concern and common kindness to them. It is holding the door open, helping them with their coat, it is saying “that’s great!” when they are excited about something or just “that’s interesting” when they tell you about an incident that happened that day. “Tell me more” is always good for a few positive points.

Remember it is not just saying you love each other, showing it and proving it means so much more. William Shakespeare said: “They do not love who do not show their love.”

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine