Marriage: 5 Steps to Creating What You Want

Tommy Smothers of Smothers Brothers and Laugh-In fame, only for you baby boomers, said that the problem with not knowing what you are talking about and that is how to know when you’re finished. Or what about when you are driving some place you’ve never been before, do you know how to get there? How do you find out? Well if getting there in timely unstressed fashion is important to you will find a map, ask directions or otherwise get help. But all of that will not help unless you know where you want to go, you need to know where it is you want to be.

This is all true in a marriage relationship as well, doubly so. In a marriage you can stumble along going from crisis to crisis, from event to event and eventually wind up being married for fifty years or whatever number of years it is. The question you need ask yourself is; is that really what I want from my relationship, is this all there is to a marriage? If the answer is I want more from my marriage then you need to figure out a few things.

First, what is it you want from your marriage. Is it to be happy? Safe or contented? Whatever the answer is the second thing is ask yourself what does that look like to you, to your spouse. How would you define a happy marriage? What does being secure feel like to both of you? Third, talk to each other about these questions, make sure both of you are on the same page as to definitions of happiness, security or whatever it is you decide you want for yourselves.

This is really a crucial part of the process. If one of you is just saying “well, whatever you want is okay with me,” I can assure you, that this person’s needs will not be met and sooner or later there will be some resentment in him or her. Both parties need to discuss the issues and put in their thoughts, efforts and input because that is the only way they both will buy into the process. We’ve seen clients in our office saying, “I never really wanted kids, it was all just for her, I had no say in it.” Not only is this a total abdication of his responsibility but it also tells us that there was no real discussion or mutual decision about children and as a consequence resentment has set in.

The fourth step is to collect all of this data about every facet of your relationship in one spot, sort and then start negotiating where there are differences. This part of the process requires some maturity from both of you, don’t just stick to your position and say you are not going to move, be flexible. Look for places and ways to make adjustments to your expectations, needs and wants. Both of you, one can’t be always giving in because of the same as above, resentment.

This is not to say that there are not things about which you will not change or budge, but these types of things had better be about values and morals, not about wants and desires. Once you’ve come to a negotiated agreement the fifth step is to write it up as a statement of intention or a vision statement for your marriage. When you are writing it remember to be flexible and adaptable because as you grow as individuals and as a couple your expectations and wants will change as well, make room in you statement for that growth. Now you know where you are going it’s easier to find the right map, ask the right questions to get the help you need.

Remember the difference between a dream and a goal or vision is the written word.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine