Want to be "In Love"?

Do you long to feel very much in love? Do you ever look at your partner and wonder where the magic went? Many people have the mistaken idea that loving feelings come first and that loving actions follow. It sometimes seems as if that is what happens in the beginning of a relationship—you fall in love and then you act in loving ways.

However even in the beginning it is the choice to smile, flirt and do nice things for each other that leads to and fans those loving feelings. If you want to stay in love then you need to continue to choose to behave in loving ways.

When you first met and were getting to know one another and nurturing your budding relationship, you probably went out of your way to be considerate and kind. You found creative ways to show that you cared. You found ways to surprise and give gifts to each other.

Over time some of that effort may have waned. Chances are that, right now, you know what it is that you could give to your partner—that something that would mean a lot to your partner. It may be a foot or back massage. It may be something that they have been hinting or have mentioned that they would love to have.

We all want to be really seen and understood. We want someone to “get us.” Part of what makes a marriage feel comfortable and satisfying is the knowledge that our partner knows and appreciates us. When we pay attention to what our partner like, wants and needs and we make an effort to give them gifts of love or substance that fits their preferences and desires then we have showed that we “get them.”

Tangible gifts are great, but intangible gifts can be just as, if not more memorable and appreciated. The most unforgettable gifts are when you give the gift of yourself. When you cheerfully spend that day at the crafts fair or car show, you give the gift of yourself. When you take the time to make eye contact and be fully present with your partner you give the gift of yourself.

Tangible gifts fall into to two categories, the thoughtful gift and the thoughtless gift. The thoughtful gift takes into account the preferences and likes of the receiver. It is the kind of gift that says, I notice you and care about pleasing you. The thoughtful gift, is a gift from the heart and even though it may be a purchased item, it still carries with it a part of the giver.

The thoughtless gift on the other hand involves buying just anything, because you feel you have to have something to give. The thoughtless gift can make the receiver wonder if you know them at all.

The gift of time is one of the best gifts you can give to your partner. Give your partner you undivided attention for a period of time. Remember that where you choose to spend your time says a lot about what you value.

Some of our deepest needs as human beings are to be understood, appreciated and loved. Consistently giving gifts of love to one another will help us feel more loved and will also help us feel more loving toward each other.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course.

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine