Applying the Serenity Prayer to Marriage

The serenity prayer gives us excellent advice for life. It is a simple prayer, expressing a profound truth.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.”

This simple and profound truth, when applied to marriage can eliminate a lot of unnecessary strife and frustration. All too often in our counseling practice we deal with couples who have been married for 5, 10, 20 or more years, who find that they are presently having the same argument that they have been having for years. Still butting heads, with no resolution or satisfaction.

What these couples need to realize is that in every marriage there will always be irreconcilable difference—issues upon which you will never agree, no matter how hard you persuade, push, argue or complain—and that this is okay. In these instances you need to agree to disagree and get on with life.

As stated in the serenity prayer, it would be invaluable in marriage to have the serenity to accept the things “I” cannot change. The first of the many things that I cannot change is my partner. The only person I can control is my self and sometimes that is a challenge.

Learning to accept our partner as they are will greatly improve the quality of our relationship. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to like everything that they do or that we have to agree with everything they say. It simply means that we accept and love them for who they are and as they are. We give up constantly nitpicking and trying to change them.

Next we need to have the courage to change the things we can change. What we can change and what we do have control over is our own thoughts, behaviors and reactions to our partner. If we don’t like the way things are, we can change what we are thinking and doing and we can change how we are reacting to our partner.

Ask yourself and answer honestly, “What am I doing to perpetuate this problem? How am I contributing to this situation? What pay off am I getting or giving that keeps this problem alive? Once you have identified ways that you are making things worse rather than better, DO something different.

Change what you can change. You have probably heard many times that it is insanity to do the same thing over and over hoping for different results. Yet human beings can be incredibly stubborn, especially when they think they are “right,” in bashing their heads against a brick wall hoping that one of these times their partner will suddenly “get it.”

So when you feel like you are bashing your head against a brick wall, STOP. Take a close look at what you have been doing and consciously choose to do something different. Decide to experiment and see if you can find something that works better. Change what you are doing, rather than trying to change your partner.

Finally, the serenity prayer asks for the wisdom to tell the difference. It does require wisdom to differentiate between those things that we can change and those that will never change. But the benefit is that peace and serenity is possible in your relationship as you learn to practice this principle.


Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course.

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine