Compassion is the Key

The best relationships come from having a healthy respect for ourself and a healthy respect for others. The interesting thing is that when people truly respect themselves, they find it easier to truly respect others. If I have a healthy respect for myself, I understand that I am a person of worth and that I deserve respect from myself and others. This is a knowing at the core of your being that, in spite of your inadequacies, you are wonderful just as you are. This is not to be confused with arrogance, which generally is just bluster to cover one's inner sense of insecurity.

When relating to others there are four positions that we can come from:
1. We value ourself
2. We do not value ourself
3. We value others
4. We do not value others

These positions combine in four different ways. Complainers are people who do not value themselves and do not value others. Egotists are people who value themselves, but not others. Pleasers are those who value others, but not themselves. And the Compassionate are those who value themselves as well as others.

Complainers tend to undervalue others in an a attempt to boost their poor opinion of themselves. They tend to sour relationships due to their inability to ever feel satisfied. Pleasers tend to overvalue others in order to keep the peace and gain acceptance. In time their relationships suffer and resentment builds when others fail to return their “pleasing” behavior. Egotist are takers and hurt their relationships by being concerned only with what they are getting. Compassionate caring for yourself and others is the best way to build lasting relationships.

Building your compassion for yourself:

• Accept that you do not have to be perfect
• Accept that you are amazing, unique and wonderful, just as you are
• Accept that you can learn from your mistakes
• Treat yourself kindly
• Stop beating yourself up
• Treat yourself with respect
• Expect to be treated with respect

Building your compassion for others:

• Accept that others do not have to be perfect
• Accept that others are entitled to their own opinions, thoughts and feelings
• Take the challenge to stop criticizing others
  
• Experiment with random acts of kindness
• Refuse to judge or prejudge others
• Return kindness for unkindness (If someone is rude to you, you can choose to be nice to them)

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine