Marriage: The Grand Essentials of Happiness

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." Allan Chalmers

We must realize that life will not always be fantastic. But that is not to say that we can't be happy when life is not so great. Part of that happiness is the security of knowing we are loved. Loved unconditionally, without rhyme or reason, loved just because we are alive and in our partner's life. This is the connection between love and happiness.

Loving our partners unconditionally requires that we know them, very well, and that, with all their faults, quirks and foibles, in spite of these and perhaps because of these, we love them, no strings attached. So the definition of unconditional love and acceptance is this; the person is loved and accepted without reservation. There are no conditions for this love, nothing like "I love you when you take care of me," "when you are nice to me," "if you do what I ask," or whatever it is that makes or allows us to love someone else.

What this creates for us, as the loved one, is security. We are safe to be ourselves. We have no fear of being unloved or rejected because of something we do or have done. Our partner loves us because of the way they feel when they are with us and how they feel about us when they are not with us. This security allows us to do is be ourselves without any fear of retribution from our partner. This is not to say that we don't need to or won't change. In fact, change is more likely because of this acceptance. We want to be the best we can be for our partner.

Developing this security is a major step towards creating happiness in our relationship. Being secure makes us content, which is a component of happiness. When we allow insecurities to creep into our relationship we start to create angst. Angst is not compatible with happiness. We are uncomfortable, irritable, and fearful of this feeling of distress and disruption within our relationship.

Feeling secure is empowering, it gives us freedom and hope. It is empowering because it put us in charge of our choices, our desire, our love; within the partnership of our relationship it puts us in control of our relationship. Once we understand and accept responsibility for our selves and our relationship we then have the power to do something about it, to modify, change and improve it.

Security frees us to be daring, to take risks within our relationship. We are free to experiment in the bedroom, to try different foods in the kitchen, to cut our hair different and the list goes on. We are free because our partner has set us free by loving us no matter what. We are free to express our love to our partners. We are free to express our love to the world. Free to show our love for others, parents, family, friends. We are free just to love.

Being secure in our relationship gives us hope for the future. Hope that our relationship can become that entity that we have dreamed of. Hope that the relationship will supply our needs for a very long time. This hope that we feel lifts us beyond ourselves and into a world of unlimited potential. We come to realize that we can do anything, be anything, take our relationship anywhere. The possibilities are endless.

In being happy within our relationship we are feeding the love that we share. There is within each relationship, between partners, a love bank. Our choices either make withdrawals from our bank or makes deposits. We are allowed to do both as long as we understand that there always has to be enough in the account to sustain and support each other through unexpected circumstances. To keep your account current and healthy there is a ratio of five deposits to one withdrawal.

What makes a deposit? Flowers for no reason, cuddles and hugs, listening and understanding, or trying to understand, gifts, remembering dates, days, experiences, these are ways to make a deposit in your account. Withdrawals are the opposite; they are situations, circumstances, experiences that are negative, that don't build the relationship.

Ann Landers has said, "if you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough." Knowing this we understand that happiness is possible without love, but love, true and shared, is not possible without happiness.



Dallas Munkholm
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course.

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine