A Christmas Gift For A Liftetime

A Christmas gift for a lifetime.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Anne Frank

One of the best gifts a married couple can give each other is a change in focus. It is often our focus in the relationship that can cause pain, hurt, disagreements and miscommunications. As Joe Vitale teaches, what we focus on we get more of. Therefore the smart thing to do is focus on what we want in our relationship. Happiness. Joy. Friendship. Love.

If you have ever suffered, even a little bit, from depression you will know how physically draining it is. What needs to be understood is that being negative takes more energy than being positive. That may seem a little silly but it is true. You may have heard people say, “It takes more energy to frown than to smile,” and that too is true.

So what has this to do with a change in focus? As couples, the focus should be on the positive rather than the negative. This will infuse your relationship with energy. Couples should be looking for the positive things their partner does and what good things he or she brings to the relationship. Instead of finding fault they should be finding characteristics that are uplifting, fun, joyful, and happy or in other words look for the good.

This includes the disagreements that pop up every once in a while. How this works is that instead of beating each other over the head with the “you should have’s”, the “why didn’t you’s,” the “what did you do’s,” you should be supportive, be positive, and validate their experience. Try to be understanding and caring. Just an aside here; validating or understanding does not mean agreement. You can still disagree but you can also understand what and why your partner is feeling and be supportive by telling him/her that you can understand why s/he would feel like that. This type of behavior builds the relationship, while blaming, criticizing and denying tears the relationship down.

A great place to start is by asking your self, “What can I do to make my marriage a better place to be?” Ask the tough questions of yourself. Do I understand what my spouse is feeling and why? Can I give him/her a little support and encouragement if what s/he is doing is not what I would do? Then comes the really tough one and you need to be brutally honest with yourself. What do I bring to this disagreement, what signals is my partner picking up from me? Does s/he feel the love and support I want to give him/her?

A great place to work from is the certain knowledge that your partner loves and supports you in what you are doing. Trying to change your partner to meet your needs and expectations is like trying to eat soup with a fork. Frustrating. So shift the focus from me to us. The question becomes what can I do to make this marriage work instead of what is s/he doing wrong. Make your relationship solution oriented, rather than problem oriented. When a problem happens try looking for a way out that makes you both winners, because if one is winner then the other is a loser. Not Good. So look to the future in your relationship not the past.
Andy Warhol says, “They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” So for Christmas this year give your partner your new attitude and a big smile. It takes less energy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine