Don’t Do That! Demands in Relationships

In our relationships, how much of our time is spent telling others what not to do? Telling people not to do something does not help them know what they should be doing. What it does tend to do, is invite defensiveness and resistance.

Another chunk of our time is spent on telling others what to do—generally with no better results. Again what we get is defensiveness and resistance.

Think of what it is like to be told what to do or what not to do. How many of us respond well to demands? Trying to change or control others behavior tends to be a losing battle—and it often becomes a battle when their defensiveness sets off our defensiveness and so on.

This does not mean that you have to give up wanting your relationships to be better. What it does mean is that there is a better way to approach a partner, child, parent or friend.

The first thing to do is identify the need behind your demand. What is it about what they are doing or not doing that bothers you? Which of your needs is not being met? Is the need to feel safe, accepted, loved, important, or a need for variety?

Once you have identified the need, then your job is to self-soothe. Hang on to yourself and do your best to meet that need for yourself. Approve of, love, and accept yourself. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your permission. Although it may not always seem like it, you choose how you feel and react.

The next step is to turn your complaint into a specific, positive request. Instead of saying, “Don’t do that,” you say, “Would you please do this.” If you have successfully self-soothed, this statement will feel like a request rather than a demand. Requests, especially those made when you feel at peace and good about yourself, are often much more successful in prompting relationship improvements.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine