How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

Do you feel like your partner does not listen to a word you say? Are you frustrated, feeling like there is no point in even trying?

When you feel like you were not being heard, consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core? Words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart.

Check to see if your word and behavior may be encouraging your partner not to listen. The following are ways to talk so that your partner will not listen:

Use Sarcasm
Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.
Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Brutally Honest
Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Be Harsh and Judging
Complaining is one of the best ways to get your partner to tune out or stop listening. Judging harshly builds resentment and encourages him/her to tune out. Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore.

Tease Mercilessly
At times people try to disguise meanness by saying, “I’m just kidding.” Mean is mean and saying I’m teasing does not make it any less mean. Thinking that your partner should “suck it up,” or “have a thicker skin” shows a lack of respect for his/her feelings. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of teasing and a wedge is driven between partners, creating greater distance over time.

Considering how to talk so your partner will not listen may help you to identify behaviors that are destructive to your relationship. If you see yourself in any of the above, it may be time to try something different.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine