Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. A relationship requires limits, not limits on what it can become or where it can lead but limits to shield and safeguard the relationship and the individuals involved. These limits are the boundaries set around the relationship or the couple to protect the sanctity of the relationship.
Boundaries are the parameters within which the relationship operates or lives. Relationship boundaries consist of several different sets or types of boundaries. There are individual boundaries, couple boundaries, and family boundaries, boundaries of friendship, work boundaries and so forth.
Individual boundaries are boundaries that each person has set for themselves; these boundaries serve the same purpose for the individual as they do for relationships. For the purposes of this discussion we will focus primarily on couple boundaries and, where needed, individual boundaries as well.
A quick and easy definition of a boundary is, a set of rules or guidelines unspoken or spoken that define what is allowed within that boundary. For example a boundary set when getting married, often unspoken, is that each partner will remain true and faithful to the other. In other words there will be monogamy. This protects the intimacy and sexual relations of the couple.
Boundaries define what the individuals can or cannot do within the relationship. The above example is an obvious one, however, all boundaries are not that obvious. In fact, most are much more subtle and undefined or unrefined. An example of this might be when our family or in-laws expect us to do certain things for them, with them or even in a certain way, yet we as a couple have our own ideas of what we will or will not do. Establishing “our way” involves setting a boundary. Often times we only find that boundary when someone else’s expectations breach that boundary.
As Miranda, from Sex in the City, states: “ It’s a slippery slope … without boundaries you never know what might happen.” This is so true. If we have no boundaries our spouse can dominate if that is their wish, or they can be too distant, or whatever they feel to do. As we are deciding what to allow we must keep in mind that a couple, a successful couple, is two strong and healthy individuals who have reached a meeting of, not only the minds, but the heart as well.
Boundaries are not written in stone. They are in fact quite flexible. Like a water balloon, boundaries can flow around an obstacle and still retain their integrity. Water balloons will burst under constant sustained pressure or explode when pierced with sharp unexpected blows, as will boundaries. Boundaries are extremely durable while at the same can be fragile. Arthur Baer tells us what to expect from our neighbors about fences and that advise applies to spouses and boundaries as well. He says: “A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb over it”
As a couple, we need to respect each other’s boundaries and we need to expect other’s to respect our couple boundaries.
Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine
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