Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

Every couple has needs for time alone and time together. The strength of each of these needs many vary greatly. Some may be much more inclined to time alone and others to time together. This difference in level of needs can become a bone of contention in relationships where one person craves time alone and the other craves time together. Often people find themselves vacillating between wanting time together and wanting time apart. Frequently the rhythms simply do not match. When one wants to be close the other wants space and visa versa. Learning to dance with the rhythm rather than fight against it creates harmony rather than dissonance.

There are times when it is important to be there for your partner, to validate and support. Times to reach out and connect. There are times when it is vital to make time for what is important to your partner.

There are also times when it is best to step back and allow your partner some space. Times when it is important to hang on to yourself and take control of your emotions, rather than letting your emotions take control of you. Take a deep breath, relax and accept that time alone is what your partner either needs or wants at this minute. Realize that you can give this to them as a gift, that you do not have to feel threatened.

Allowing each other space and time when needed and being there to support when needed will strengthen your relationship. The trick is to recognize what time it is. Is it time to draw close or is it time to create space? Domenico Cieri Estrada said, “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”

If you find yourself cranky and out of sorts, you may want to step back and take a deep breath. Identify what is going on for you. Learn to sooth yourself and don’t take frustrations about work or life out on your partner.

If you find that your partner is cranky and out of sort and listening to them and validating their feelings is not working, then it may be time to simply say, “I’m here if you want to talk.” And walk away. But walk away with peace in your heart. Know that it is okay for them to feel however they feel and it is okay for them to need time to themselves. Stop worrying and allow them to sooth themselves.

Becoming skilled at knowing when to come close and when to walk away, means becoming less reactive and more supportive as partners.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine